THE MAN is anything blocking the way of your destiny.
.... It's basically a circumstance trying ta hold you down.
And those obstacles can take many forms. These are a few of mine.

Monday, December 20, 2010

What's Wrong with Needing Each Other?

I really think we as Black women do a lot of giving, but are poor receivers.
And then when we give, we are disappointed, and ultimately grow resentful if it is not given back to us in the same manner in which it was delivered.

When you meet a great guy, be smart, but try not to compare this situation to the last one. This new guy is not the last guy that hurt you. If this guy wants to do nice things for you, be a lady and allow him. Don't assume he's keeping score and will hold it over your head later. If you don't feel comfortable with him buying big ticket items, that's totally understandable. But wait for him to open the door for you. Wait for him to reach for the dinner bill.

There is nothing wrong with showing a good guy you appreciate him.

On Heavy Rotation: Fantasia "I'm Doin Me"

I gotta say, this is a solid album from 'Tasia.
I got hooked watching a marathon of her reality show, and now I'm officially a fan. I'm glad she's overcoming obstacles in her life (THE MAN was doing a number on poor Tasia, almost took her outta here.)
My favorite track is "I'm Doin Me".

Book Review: Men Don't Heal, We Ho'

I'm reading this book right now, called "Men Don't Heal, We Ho" by Steven James Dixon. His grammar is all over the place, here is the jist of what he said:

  • Men will say anything to get a piece of ass 
  • Men who are in a divorce and loved their wife will go through a ho-ing phase 
  • Men will tell you point blank they cant commit and you will still think you can change them 
  • Men cheat on their wives when they stop fantasizing about having sex with her 
  • If a married man gets divorced and really loves his wife, he will always love her 
  • Men are sensitive and do cry, although not often. 
  • Do not get with a man that is still in love with the last girl, they will fuck without letting you into their heart 
  • Women hear what they want to hear 
  • Never try to make a man fall in love with you,especially if he says he cant commit 
  • Men ho to mask pain 
  • Men treat you sweet as vindication, so you can say, that bitch was crazy for leaving you 
  • Interview new prospects, keep your options open, do not date or obsess on one man 
  • Men watch who you hang with as a character analysis of who you are 
  • Build a firm friendship first, so they respect you before they sleep with you 
  • Let them know they are being evaluated, and tell them to do the same 
  • Really listen--- show attention for what they say 
  • Men size you up for financial potential, career goals, family life 
  • Put God first and the man second 
  • Men recognize a ho by her ho-conversations 
  • Men are visual, they do not think about finding a wife when they see you, they only visualize you naked. 
  • When men say "Do you and see others", they are not emotionally connected to you, you are their ho. 
  • Men make sure the girl has at least one cute friend so their boy can hit 
  • Men will invite many prospects to the same party 
  • Do not get into competition over a man, none of you really win 
  • Do not approach men. Men only reserve their mack game for 5- star chicks 
  • Know when you are the rebound 
  • The only reason they marry is for sex and kids 
  • Doing nice things for you means I like you for now, you are cool now, not I want to spend my life with you 
  • 5 Success factors: Commitment, Communication, Trust, Respect, Love 
  • Men are broken from their fathers, and they are the only ones that can heal them
  • Never put all your eggs in one basket, and never give up complete dating power 
  • If a man knows you like him, he has the power to make you wait while he pursues others and will reject you if you make your true feelings known and hes not on the same page 
  • Men like a challenge 
  • Women try to figure out what men mean that to hear what he said. You can either: accept, reject it, or reject and keep the relationship as is until you find better 
  • I cant be in a relationship now= He will never be in a relationship with you 
  • I need to get my money right before we can get married= Im cheating, keeping options open, buying time because you are wifey material 
  • I love you, not in love with you= He doesn't love you, and is surprised that he likes you this much 
  • Its not you, its me= he is not ready, not worthy and not wanting you 
  • Oh, that girl is just a friend= she is just like you 
  • Im going out of town, cant talk until Monday = I have an out of town chick, don't call 
  • I have to work on Valentines day= I'm hiding out at the crib from all of you 
  • I have to find myself=Im fucked up, trying to make you leave, you should have left long time ago 
  • I need a friend=you deserve better 
  • Show off your skills besides sex 
  • Make sure your house is cleaner than his 
  • If you have a good man, quit complaining about how he does chores 
  • Have sex four times a week, and surprise him 
  • Stroke your mans ego 
  • Men don't commit because its too much work and have to give up freedom 
  • Establish upfront that you are a ho, a girlfriend, or a wife type 
  • If you are having a hard time getting a man to commit, you are either, desperate, in denial, or dumb 
  • Men date multiple women because they are in no rush to marry 
  • Do not tell a man you love them, show them: you have to know them well for them to love you, their love has to mean something to you, cherish and make him earn your love 
  • Women will have sex with you before they even cook for you 
  • Do not play games, state you intentions, men are evaluating from day one: Can I break my word with her, what will she put up with, is she the type of woman I can lie to, can I get away with disrespecting her, does she want to believe what I say or is she evaluating me 
  • You cannot gain respect once its lost, move on 
  • Do not listen to his words, they come from his mind, trust your instincts to tell when he's lying 
  • Men keep testing the line until they find your true boundary 
  • Men say they will call back to get off the phone 
  • When we first meet you, we don't care about your character. You are a ho, until you can show skills that promote you to girlfriend. You stay there until you prove you are worth marrying.
What do you think about what he said?

The Beyonce Syndrome, AKA, "I Don't Need A Man"

I like Beyonce like the next chick. The music is catchy. The wigs, the clothes, her voice. It's all bangin. But somebody need to tell that heffa to go sit down somewhere.

Black women are all jacked up. I feel like I can speak on this, since I am one. 
Sometimes we just need to check ourselves. (Always, with love of course).

Some of us are missing out on good men because of "earning potential or education". It's like our first priority in life is security. All of our girlfriend advice stems from security. So much so, that we continue to miss out on really good men because they don’t meet the “earning potential” standard. Anyone making below 70K would be considered a waste of time. Yet we don't have our own situation tight. Just because you work around doctors and lawyers doesn't make you one. Now you only date Mr. MBA Professional. If you a struggling receptionist, or mid level person, don't look down on the brotha in the mailroom. He's on the come up just like you are. Maybe instead of trying to date up all the time, you can give a guy and chance and actually grow wealth together. Why would a professional want to date yo broke ass anyway? He wants to KEEP his money. LMAO. (Just teasin, sis.)

Oftentimes we are either on the gold digging tip, or we are on the other extreme; listening to too much Beyonce. It’s the Beyonce syndrome. All that independent woman crap can be very helpful; it can make you take care of yourself, and not rely solely on a man to provide for you. But it also can be a hinderance. So when someone nice comes your way, you steady mouthing off about how he can’t do nothing for you, and you pay all your bills, and your hair is real and your Louis Vuitton bag is real. You come off as angry and aggressive. White men don’t want it, and neither do Black men. Or any other kind of man.

Men don’t wanna hear that shit. It’s a gender thing. Women may like to be nurtured and feel cherished, protected and cared for. But men need to have a sense that they can help you along the way, whatever that may be. If you make them feel that they can’t help your life, then a man will start to wonder, “Why am I even around this chick?”

We steady breaking our necks trying to look like Beyonce and please these men. And when you get your look pulled together, you can't even speak now when complimented, you are a DIVA. Brother holds the door open for you at the gas station, and you can't even acknowlege him.

I’m sure Beyonce means well, but that heffa is causing straight up damage in a black woman’s psyche. All that independent woman jazz contributes to the perpetuation of the Black single mother. I’m all for woman’s lib, but Black women get the short end of the stick each and every time. Our white counterparts are working, and when they meet their mate, they stay home with the kids and do playdates. Black women work, we meet a mate, we have babies, we don’t get married, shit doesn’t work out, the man leaves, we now have 3 babies, no ring, a pile of debt, and that job we are now forced to slave at a crappy job to feed our families. 

Oh, but wait a minute...You are an independent WOMAN! I forgot. You don’t need no help.
You know you do. You strugglin. Let's be real. Thank God for your family to help you.

How does this independent woman crap benefit our race in the long run? How does this build healthy families in the Black community?
It doesn’t.

Anger, resentment, “he ain’t nothing but a dog” statements, young moms, teenage unruly boys without a father figure. You don’t hear Asian or Hispanic women saying that independent woman shit. And you damn sure don’t hear white women saying it. They might say it if they are young (35 and younger), but by the time 40 rolls along, that shit ain't all it's cracked up to be.

They can kiss my black ass with that independent woman shit. We just tell ourselves that to make ourselves feel better. It’s no different when we used to tell ourselves, “I’m Black and I’m proud”. I'm all for being proud to be a Black american. But that statement is something we had to say to ourselves to get you through the trauma. To build your self esteem up. To try to remove the hate programming and replace it with something more loving.

Black women, we need to stop barely surviving and start THRIVING.

Part of this "independent woman" thang has roots in slavery, passed on through the generations. Big Momma and Momma’s good intentions, programming her female child to prepare for the cruel world, while they steady cuddle their male children. And then part of this is our own damn faults. Black women, when you know better, do better. The statistics may look bleak, our men might be in jail, but take some ownership. We do a fantastic job of emasculating them. 

Beyonce talks all this independent crap and then marries the richest jigga on the planet. I make sure when she’s on the radio to turn if off right away. I’ve got enough Black woman stereotypes and programming to sift through. 

I could talk about this shit all day. I catch myself stopping these messages all the time when speaking to my daughter. In a daughter, we tell them no man is going to care for you. In a son, our expectations are low, so we tell them stay out of trouble. Kids rise to your expectations. Your daughter is successful and alone. Your son is in jail.

That's my rant for today. Stop telling these men you are an independent woman and you don't need anyone. Because when you meet the right one, you can't recognize it and even let him help you.

And for heaven's sake, turn off the damn programming. Beyonce is not the second coming of Christ.

Copyright Tray

Recognize the Harvest Season

For some people, they climb Mount Everest, and the trek is so arduous, they spend all their time just putting one foot in front of the other. Their gaze is down, and they are focused on just surviving and not losing their footing. 

Planting one foot in front of the other is good. Walk enough steps, and you will finally reach the top. 

But don't forget the journey. The scenery along the way. The fact that there are less than 1000 people out of 6 billion that have ever climbed this path or seen this glorious sight before, perched on top of the world. 

When you leave your planting season, remember to stop and enjoy the fruits of harvest and give thanks. Don't just say, 'Oh, there's so much more work to be done.' Sure, that's fine. There will always be work, as long as you have breath and can plan new goals. But recognize the harvest. Recognize when you've arrived. It's important to acknowledge harvest, so you can feel a sense of completion and celebration, before you take on more. 

Learn to be content with today. Yesterday is gone, and it coulda woulda shoulda been so much mo' betta. Tomorrow never exists except in concept. All you have is continuing states of NOW, so you might as well learn to be happy in them. Not as you can be, but as you are RIGHT NOW. There is no happiness and perfection in the future, there is only happiness in the moment. 

I am grateful for the harvest season. I have toiled and come up on some rocks in the ground. But I kept plowing and turning over the soil. I mixed in some fertile top soil and used my tools of pivoting, and retelling, and moving up the scale, and rampages of appreciation, and focus wheels. 

I started in a rough place that I previously believed couldn't be cultivated. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be start a new life without him. I knew I wasn't happy with how I was being treated. I pulled out weeds of doubt, guilt, manipulation. And I sowed in seeds of faith, joy, appreciation, expectancy, and hope. 

Every now and then I would fall into a little sinkhole, big enough for my foot. My ex husband would make it difficult for me, or finances would get me down, or fighting to stay in the house would seem impossible. But I stayed enduring and paitent. 

When I focused on the negative, I got negative, and I quickly learned that I had a lot of power in the creation process. So, I learned that I needed to focus all of my energy on who I really am in my Spirit, which is joy and appreciation. I learned compassion and forgiveness, for my ex husband and for myself. Those characteristics were fully tested when I received some even more negative news about my marriage. Because I had already internalized these concepts, I was able to shift my thinking in only two days, which is quite an accomplishment! 

I learned strength and independence, two things I didn't think I could do before without him. I learned to set boundaries of respect that people cannot cross. I saved my house. I learned stillness and meditation. I learned how to get into appreciation about my career and the plans for it's future. I learned how to set goals and dream outrageous dreams and conquer them. I learned how to have fun with my friends on outings, and traveling with my sister. I now have hobbies that I love, like singing and writing. I've lost 14 pounds of my 40 pound goal and counting! I even learned how to love myself and replace those feelings on loneliness and be the love I seek. I even know how to inspire others to do the same. 

Now, I am in harvest. I have learned to appreciate where I have come from, love who I am now in the moment, and get excited about who I am becoming. I am open to the new journeys that lie ahead with exhuberant enthusiam. I look forward to more 'teachable moments' to use my tools. I look forward to being single. I look forward to being a healthier mother with some life skills and examples to pass down. I look forward to being a better daughter, and sibling. And I truly think I am a better spiritual person for this journey and a better friend. I think I will be a better companion too, when that comes. 

All of this transformation, from April to December. Less than a year, and at times it was moving so rapidly. At other times, a snail's pace. But I appreciate it all and everyone in it. 

Copyright Tray

Seven Lessons I learned in 2010

There are seven lessons I mastered last year.

One, how to spot a person that can’t be changed, and learn how to appreciate the message-- no matter the messenger. Do not blame the messenger for what they are bringing you, you called it forth to learn the message. Sometimes, the hard way. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Go with your gut.

Two, you are exactly who you are where you need to be at all times. You cannot miss an opportunity. You cannot be in the wrong place. You cannot be the wrong person. You are who you are in the moment, and when you learn new information, you will be that wiser person then. Do not beat yourself up about it.

Three, give yourself time to heal. You can’t move on to the next phase until you’ve mastered the level you are on. It can’t be brought to you anytime sooner. You will keep calling forth the hard lesson or the person, or someone just like that person until you recognize what you need to learn and make a new choice.

Four, just because something may or may not be true about you, doesn’t mean you need to make it your Truth. Stop arguing for your limitations. Choose the best statements and thoughts when thinking of yourself. Sure, we all have things we want to change, to improve about ourselves. But underneath the flesh and bone, you are an immortal and perfect soul. Always remember that.

Five, set boundaries. If you don’t set boundaries of respect, someone else will set them for you. You can activate faith or you can activate fear, there are two sides to the same stick. Both encourage you to believe in something that doesn’t currently physically exist.

Six, be the change you seek. If you want a better career, be the best on your job right now. If you want a better spouse, be that example for them. If you want better friends, be a great friend. If you want respect, be and show respect. If you want a mate, be the qualities you seek so you can attract it.

Seven, allow people to leave you. Don’t try to hold on to someone that doesn’t want to be held. You can’t make someone love you, you can only be someone who can be loved. 25% of people will never like you. 25% will not like you, but can be persuaded to like you. 25% like you, but can be persuaded to stop liking you. And 25% will like you no matter what you do.

Copyright Tray

You Can't F*ck Away "Lonely".

Title get your attention? It's true. You cannot replace true intimacy for casual sex. And you certainly cannot replace self worth with attention-seeking behavior. (Well, you could try, but it never works for long.) Here's why.... 

After living a little myself and making mistakes....observing others and their mistakes, and hearing enough male-female relationship horror stories in general, I have learned that you can pour a lot of time and attention either: filling up your hole or getting someone to do it for you.

Filling the Hole Yourself
Now, filling up your hole of emptiness can be done two ways: positively or negatively. I'd say, the first step is even recognizing you have one that needs filling. (Some never even get to this point). Many people fill it themselves with self destructive behavior of drinking, smoking, partying and general living to excess. At the end of the day, you are still lonely and seeking attention. Some people fill their hole with seemingly positive things, that are still negative, (like working or excercising yourself to death). They still end up alone. They can't understand that no matter how many physical material possessions that surround them, they still feel unfullfilled.

Filling the Hole With Someone
Filling up the hole with someone else is also a destructive, dehumanizing, and desperate act. Basically, you have allowed this person, or persons, to determine your happiness. That never works. The minute they stop giving you attention, the minute you realize you are empty, alone, and unhappy, only you have an audience now to watch it all go down.  Kids can't fill it. Spouses can't fill it. What's worse is that their are people who will specifically see that gap, and use you for it. A seemless stream of random hook ups that lead no where.

So, How do I fix it?
 If you already have a healthy sense of self respect, this note ain't for you. 
But if you don't, may I suggest learning how to first set boundaries. What you will give, what you won't. What feels like love, what doesn't. And start setting them everywhere--- on the job, with the family, with friends, with the neighboorhood bully, it doesn't matter, use them all as teaching tools.

Then, I would suggest facing your fears... Of loneliness... of heartache... of despair... of being ignored... or whatever it is that needs facing. Learn to face it, and even enjoy it. Fill it with activities, spirituality,affirmations, places, and people, that look and feel like love. That look like where you wanna be in life. Hell, you could even write a list "25 Things that Look like Self Love"!

The more time you spend developing yourself, the more time you realize who you really are. And the more you will begin to really like it. And the more you won't tolerate someone else in your space not loving it as much as you do. The more you will be what you were always supposed to be and were sent here to do.

Be the best You. 

There's nothing wrong with being alone. But lonely is a choice.

The 3 P's: Provide, Profess, Protect

Steve Harvey: Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man

We love you, but how we demonstrate that love is what I call the three Ps of love: We profess, we provide and we protect.
That is how a man -- if he loves you -- this is how you can tell he loves you: He provides for you. Whatever his economic structure is, he provides for you and he will give you whatever he can. He will profess. If you have been dating a guy for six months, he has a title for you. If after six months, he is still calling you a friend, he has no plans for you. It doesn't take us six months to figure out if you are the one. We are just not that difficult. We are simple people.
The last P is protect. He will let nothing happen to you within his means. A man loves in threes, if he tells you he loves you, but he doesn't protect or provide for you, he is just telling you what you want to hear to get what he wants. He doesn't really love you.

Steve Harvey Claims Men and Women Cannot Be Friends in ‘Straight Talk‘; He‘s Wrong

Steve Harvey Claims Men and Women Cannot Be Friends in ‘Straight Talk‘; He‘s Wrong
Interesting that Steve Harvey, of all folks, has written two consecutive #1 New York Times bestselling books on relationships — Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man and Straight Talk, No Chaser — and has become what people are calling a relationship expert.
Harvey admits his relationship and marriage woes, which included being accused of beating his first wife and stealing from her, and then trying to have her committed to a mental hospital when she had the audacity to complain. But I digress.
In Straight Talk, Harvey said men and women cannot be friends at all, which I don’t believe to be entirely true. Here’s what he said in an interview:
“I was just sitting down telling the truth. All of my friends are men. I don’t have female friends. I’m incapable of that,“ he said, before cranking up his famously brutal honesty. “You [women] think you have male friends. No. He is your friend because he knows right now men remain your friends in the hope that, one day, there will be a crack in the door, a chink in the armor. And trust and believe that guy who you think is just your friend, he will slide in so quick the moment he gets the opportunity. We’re guys.”
To the vets in the game, this statement recalls the comedy classic, When Harry Met Sally when comedian Billy Crystal’s character told Meg Ryan’s character that men and women cannot be friends.
When asked how many men feel this way, Harvey said, “Ninety-nine percent of us. It’s instinctive for us to think this way. And you tell a woman this, it blows her back. She’s says ‘No, I have male friends.’ But you only have male friends because they know it can’t be anything else right now.”
Harvey even went as far as ask the ladies who think they have male friends to put administer a test. “Ask them in a friendly way, ‘if we dated, would you be OK with that’ And just watch the fireworks. Just watch. I’m telling you.’”
Harvey is wrong, but not totally wrong. It is true that most men are not being totally honest with women — especially attractive females — that they are playing the buddy role with their female friends. However, Harvey is wrong by painting a broadbrush over the situation. I have several female friends whom I consider near and dear to my heart. They are critical components of my life. But I have not considered trying to "get with them" at any time. If anything, I talk about other women around them and they tell me about their love life. And that’s the way we like it.
For real.
What do you think? Can men and women truly be friends? –terry shropshire
Rolling out magazine

Three things that feel like Love: Lust, Obsession, and Rebounding

3 Things That Only Feel Like Love
These Feel Like Love but Are Far From It
From Mike Hardcastle, former About.com Guide

Love is a tricky emotion. There are some things that feel like love but they are much too superficial to be the real thing. Real love takes time and doesn't happen over night. Here are three things that people often confuse for love.


Lust is the feeling that is often mistaken for love at first sight. Lust is an intense and sudden attraction to somebody you hardly know. It is mistaken for love because the attraction is so strong.
Lust can feel like love because the feelings of attraction are strong and all-consuming. The emotions stirred up by lust can feel very real but they are based on a fantasy. To love somebody you must know them well but many people fall in lust while they are still strangers. What people in lust fall for is a fantasy of what might be and reality can get lost in the excitement.
Overwhelmed by physical attraction people in lust can't keep their hands off of each other. They think about each other constantly and talk about one another all the time. Lust is a happy feeling brought on by passionate attraction. If you are inexperienced in matters of the heart it is very easy to mistake all that passion for love.
Lust differs from love like night differs from day. Lust happens in the early phase of a relationship when people don’t yet know each other. Lust is based on a fantasy, and the fantasy and reality don’t always mesh up. This is where lust runs out of steam.
Although physical attraction is definitely a key ingredient in any romantic relationship, love is more than just a physical longing. If a relationship is all about physical attraction it is based on lust. Really loving another person takes time and it can't be based on physical attraction alone.


Obsessions are often mistaken for love because people rationalize the crazy feelings they are having. They assume that it must be love if the other person is always on their mind. Obsession is similar to lust but it is much more misleading and destructive. While lust is often fleeting, fading as two people come to know each other better, obsession sticks around.
The more time and effort invested in an unhealthy obsession the more intense the obsession can become. People in an obsessed state have a one track mind where the other person is concerned and they often lose touch with who they are as an individual. This loss of individuality creates a vicious circle of behavior where the obsessed person grows more and more dependant on the other person to bolster their sense of self.
Even unrequited love, love that is not returned, can become an overwhelming obsession. When one person believes they are in a relationship that doesn't really exist, or when one person is more invested in an existing relationship than the other, the foundation for an obsession has been laid.
Real love is nurturing and helps people grow but obsession is debilitating. If you feel like you have lost yourself, if you are always striving to please your partner without them doing the same for you, and if you find yourself making all decisions in your life based on the feelings and needs of the other person you could be dealing with obsession.


A rebound is a relationship that starts up very quickly after another relationship has ended. Rebounds are rarely based on love but are really a way of alleviating the loneliness people feel when a relationship ends.
Rebounding can feel like love for the simple reason that the people involved want to be in love. They are used to the security of being in love and more than anything else they want to feel that security again. They convince themselves that they are in love when they are actually missing the safety and comfort of the relationship they left behind.
If an old relationship keeps interfering with the progress of a new relationship it could mean that the relationship is a rebound. When somebody is on the rebound they are not entirely over their previous relationship. They may still be trying to work out unresolved issues from that relationship. Rebound relationships may feel like love but they are still impacted by unsettled feelings from the past.

To view this article in its original form, please visit: http://teenadvice.about.com/od/loveanddating/a/3thingslove.htm 
©2010 About.com, Inc., a part of The New York Times Company. All rights reserved.

The Ladies of "That's one for us, zero for THE MAN"

Welcome to the blog world of expressing yourself with Tray, Regenius and Indigo! The more you read, the more you will get to learn more about the ladies who have so much to say. Feel free to comment and/or leave us messages, even if it is just to say "hey"!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Kimono, anyone?

I am absolutely in love with Seattle designer Chrissy Wai-Ching's kimonos right now. They are intricately lovely and ethereal, like woodland faeries.

She also has bridal looks too, like this ivory Zolotova dress.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Curly Nikki | Natural Hair Styles and Curly Hair Care: Kathleen- Naturally Glam Hair Idol

Curly Nikki | Natural Hair Styles and Curly Hair Care: Kathleen- Naturally Glam Hair Idol: "Meet Kathleen... her advice for healthy, gorgeous hair? Be patient! CN: How long have you been natural? I've been natural since August 7, ..."

Waiting for God's Best

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone- 
To have a deep soul relationship with another- 
Be loved thoroughly, and exclusively. 
But God, to a Christian, says: 
I want you to be satisfied, fulfilled, and content 
With being loved by Me alone- 
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me- 
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship 
With Me alone. 
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, 
Will you be capable of the best human relationship 
That I have planned for you.

I want you to be united with another after you are united with Me- 
Exclusive of anyone or anything else, 
Exclusive of any other desires or longings. 
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, 
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing- 
One that you cannot imagine. 
I want you to have the best- 
Please allow Me to bring it to you. 
You just keep watching Me, trusting Me- 
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. 
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. 
You just wait. 
That's all.

Don't be anxious. 
Don't worry. 
Don't look around at the things 
Others have gotten or that I've given them. 
Don't look at the things you think you want. 
You just keep looking off and up to Me, 
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.

And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love 
Far more wonderful than any you would dream of. 
You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, 
(I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time), 
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you, 
You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me. 
And this is the perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love. 
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, 
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love 
That I offer you with Myself. 
Know that I love you utterly. 
I am God. 
Believe and be satisfied.

     -Author and original title unknown

Bill Lee & The Natural Spiritual Orchestra - John Coltrane

Right now, I am loving this clip. Bill Lee is Spike Lee's father, and does the music score for many of his early films.

Growing Out Hair Naturally

I'm reading this great book by Chicoro called "Grow It!", and she has step by step pictures on her Fotki page on her hair regimen. Enjoy!


"Fear and Consumption"

Manson is right. The media produces fear, and we consume products from big corporations.

"Between the head (thinkers) and the hand (workers), there must be the heart (pop media)." -Metropolis

The Merchants of Cool 4/6

The story of large media corporations, and how they program the youth, using products, movies, cable, and music, to devalue themselves and consume products.

This is why they call television shows "Programing".

"Before The Music Dies"

The story of what happened to the music industry, and how the music is dying.... Programming.

Electronic Pickpocket

RFID chips in your "fast pay" card are swipe-able, even in your wallet.

Women are like apples on trees...

Woman are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Some men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, THEY'RE amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

-Author Unknown

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ask a Man: Men Want Marriage, Too!

Lately, I've been running into some men who say they want to get married and meet Miss Right.

Up till now, I really didn't think men even thought about it. Most of the men I've met have stated they really enjoy being single, and don't know when (or if) it will ever happen for them.

But in the past month or two, I have encountered two men that say they are looking for marriage. (I preface this statement with the phrase, neither of them live in Atlanta!)

The first is a divorced dad of two. Been married twice. He said that he was tired of giving his all to women and not receiving that same affection in return. That most of the time, women are interested in what you can do for them, but not what they can contribute to the relationship, or to supporting you as a man. 

When asked what men think about the concept of soul-mates (because I hear that word used all the time from women),  he told me, "Men really think of soul-mates as it pertains to one person, not overall commitment as a rule. The relationship has gotta be taken to a certain level. He has to want to lock her down. What makes the ready light come on for us, is the thought of her being with someone else."

When asked about what makes him want to "lock it down", he replied, 

"Stability, Sexy Appeal, Financially stable, Homemaker, Supporter, and Listener. 

Women don't listen enough, and I think women want the truth but don't really wanna hear it. They wanna believe men don't think like that. You ladies have an idea of what YOU think we should be thinking. "

You know what? He's exactly right. Us women do think we understand what men are thinking, when really we haven't a clue! 

These things on his list, I rarely hear women talk about. They think men are concerned with education, or stretch marks, or hair, or earning potential, or whatever fifty billion things we obsess over. None of these things even made the list!

(Granted, he is just one guy, not the spokesperson for the entire male population.)

So, I asked my best guy friend. He is single, never married, and no kids.

He told me, "I'm looking for a woman that is hot, and doesn't get on my nerves!"

But he also agreed with the first guy's sentiment. 

Men, just like women, are looking to settle down and meet the right girl.

He says, "it all matters about timing.  If you say to a man that you're interested in getting married and all up-front, we listen and keep that in mind.  If it becomes a reoccurring theme of your discussions, however, it means that you're pushing and guys don't like that.  For a relationship to work, you have to be at the same place at the same time.  For either the man or the woman to push it means you're more likely to lose the whole deal."

He also says, "I believe every man wants to get married one day. But you can't force it. Relationships are all about bending and compromise, but it should definitely be on both ends.  Unfortunately, you usually have a relationship where one person is always thinking about how much they bend and compromise and not taking into account how much the other person might be bending and compromising.  

"I think it's a miracle if a person finds everything that they desire in one person.  Most of us HAVE to bend and compromise to make a not-quite-perfectly-round peg fit in the desired hole.  Usually, there's a lot of resentment that comes up from one person about how much they do for the relationship that turns into yelling that sets off the other person thinking that all they've been doing isn't appreciated and then, it's on and it's not gonna be pretty. 

"To be honest, I think that when you meet someone, you have an idea of what you want, but if the person you're looking at doesn't fit perfectly, give them a chance; you might find things in them that weren't on your list, but you're glad they have them.  At the end of the day, men and women put their needs first and that's not only problematical, it's not Christian, either.  I'm not saying marry someone because it's what they need even though you won't be happy, but take the time to appreciate what each of you do in a relationship before you become resentful.  And don't discount what they do because you don't feel the same about whatever it is as they do.  Personally, I feel like anything anyone does in my relationships is important and appreciated.

I don't believe that anyone should have to put in more work than the other person.  A marriage is a partnership.  Men and women are different and have different roles, but none of the roles is more important than the others.  Men are supposed to be the leadership of the household, but without the support of his wife, it would all fall apart.  I believe that husbands should cater to their wives as wives should to their husbands; not in some stupid, ego-filling way, but in love and respect and appreciation to the other.

I don't know about any shortages, but treat all people well.  The media will use fear to drive us to consumerism in all cases and that should be dismissed.  I say relax and put your effort and energy into the things of God."

He also thinks my Holy Grail/Wolfpack theory is fundamentally flawed. 

"Please, PLEASE stop talking about hunting!  It's not about that at all.  It's all about personal preference.  Some men like it when you pursue and some men think they should do it exclusively.  I can tell you personally that I hate when I put energy into spending time with someone and they act like they can't call me.  I feel like if you're interested, you'll make an effort if I am.  Relationships are bad enough without coming up with some flawed formula to apply to every single one.  Each person is different and should be treated accordingly.  If you want to be chased, wait until a man chases you.  If you don't, go after the man you want.  Please stop coming up with these ideas or listening to people that give them.  There are good men and bad men, good women and bad women.  If you're lucky enough to find someone good and that fits with you, it's a serious blessing!  Focus on God!"

There you have it, ladies and gentleman. Two men's perspectives on dating and marriage. 

I hope there are many other men out there like this.