There is a proverb from the Akan people of Ghana, West Africa, called Gye Nyame that says:
Abode santann yi firi tete; obi nte ase a onim ne ahyease, na obi ntena ase nkosi ne awie, GYE NYAME.
Loosely translated, it means:
"No man lives who saw its beginning, and no one will live to see its end, EXCEPT GOD."
I've also heard this proverb stated another way:
"I fear no one (man), except God."
Even the Bible illustrates this concept clearly in the 23 Psalms.
"Yea, though I walk through the valley in the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art with me."
And in the 27th Psalms:
"The LORD is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?"
People, you can either speak a psalm (song) of faith, or a song of fear.
When you have lived enough, gone through enough, had your life threatened, had a loved one pass, or had material possessions removed from you, you learn that 'this too shall pass', and you rely on God to pull you through. You learn to let go of fear, because you know you are always kept in God's love.
Every need is always met when you know God.
You will always be taken care of, no matter how bleak a situation looks.
When you know God, and you have a faith walk and a trust in Him, you take the limits off what He can do in your life. In your career, you know that if you are obedient to His will, you will flourish. At home, you know you have angels to stand guard. With your family, you know they will have generational blessings. Even with your mate or spouse, you know that there is no need for control or jealousy, because you have peace in your home.
People who don't have this walk, and don't understand this level of faith are like leaves blowing in the wind. They have no anchor. They stand for nothing, they fall for everything, and they consume and produce no fruit. They live in fear, and they constantly perpetuate it. They will come to you and speak fear to get you off your path. Or they will resort to destructive means to try and shake you off your path.
If you run once, you will always be running. Please know, that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. And not one grain of sand can be moved to harm you unless God allows it. He speaks life over every living thing. When you walk away from His grace, He allows free will for you to explore on your own, which includes opening the door to things you don't want.
I would encourage you today to trust God. Trust all things will be revealed. Trust He always has your best interest in mind and that you are exactly where you need to be in His grace at all times. Jesus taught us that through total obedience and faith in God's abilities, you can walk on water, you can even come back from death itself (like those near death experiences).
There is a freedom that no man can take when you live like this.
Today, I encourage you to truly live free.
Lots of times, people don't even realize they are in an abusive relationship. 1 in 3 women will experience abuse in their lifetime, and it occurs every 7 seconds in America.
There are many types of abuse:
Physical abuse is easier to recognize and understand than other types of abuse. It can be indicated when the batterer:
Scratches, bites, grabs or spits at a current or former intimate partner.
Shakes, shoves, pushes, restrains or throws her.
Twists, slaps, punches, strangles or burns the victim.
Throws objects at her.
Subjects her to reckless driving.
Locks her in or out of the house.
Refuses to help when she’s sick, injured or pregnant,
or withholds medication or treatment.
Withholds food as punishment.
Abuses her at mealtime, which disrupts eating patterns
and can result in malnutrition.
Abuses her at night, which disrupts sleeping patterns
and can result in sleep deprivation.
Attacks her with weapons or kills her.
SEXUAL VIOLENCE AND ABUSE
Sexual violence and abuse can be extraordinarily difficult for victims to talk about because of the ways in which this type of violence often is perpetrated. Sexual violence or abuse can be indicated when the batterer:
Is jealously angry and assumes she will have sex with anyone.
Withholds sex and affection as punishment.
Calls her sexual names.
Pressures her to have sex when she doesn’t want to.
Insists that his partner dress in a more sexual way than she wants.
Coerces sex by manipulation or threats.
Physically forces sex or is sexually violent.
Coerces her into sexual acts that she is uncomfortable with, such as sex with a third party, physically painful sex, sexual activity she finds offensive or verbal degradation during sex.
Inflicts injuries that are sex-specific.
Denies the victim contraception or protection against
sexually transmitted diseases.
It is the abuser’s use of physical and sexual force or threats that gives power to his psychologically abusive acts. Psychological abuse becomes an effective weapon in controlling a victim, because she knows through experience that her abuser will at times back up the threats or taunts with physical assaults. Psychological abuse can be indicated when the batterer:
Breaks promises, doesn’t follow through on agreements
or doesn’t take a fair share of responsibility.
Verbally attacks and humiliates his partner in private or public.
Attacks her vulnerabilities, such as her language abilities,
educational level, skills as a parent, religious and cultural beliefs or physical appearance.
Plays mind games, such as when he denies requests he has made previously or when he undercuts her sense of reality.
Forces her to do degrading things.
Ignores her feelings.
Withholds approval or affection as punishment.
Regularly threatens to leave or tells his partner to leave.
Harasses her about affairs he imagines her to be having.
Always claims to be right.
Is unfaithful after committing to monogamy.
Economic abuse can be indicated when the batterer:
Controls all the money.
Doesn’t let her work outside the home or sabotages her attempts to work or go to school.
Refuses to work and makes her support the family.
Ruins her credit rating.
THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN VIOLENCE AND OTHER TACTICS OF CONTROL
Domestic violence is not an isolated, individual event but rather a pattern of repeated behaviors. Assaults are repeated against the same victim by the same perpetrator. These assaults occur in different forms, including physical, sexual, psychological and economic. While physical assaults might occur infrequently, other parts of the pattern can occur daily. The use of these other tactics is effective because one battering episode builds on past episodes and sets the stage for future episodes. All tactics of the pattern interact and have profound effects on the victims. Examples of commonly used control tactics include:
Using the children
Attacking property and pets
Stalking partner or ex-partner
Intimate partner violence is hurtful and abusive behaviors used by one partner to control and have power over another intimate partner. These behaviors can include threats, physical assault, forced sex, financial control, isolation, and emotional abuse, like name calling.
How safe is your home? Are you in an abusive relationship? Use the following checklist to help determine if you are being abused.
Does your partner...
make fun of you in front of your family or friends?
put down your accomplishments or goals?
make you feel like you can’t make decisions?
use force or threats to make you do what he/she wants?
tell you that you are nothing without him/her?
treat you roughly – grab, push, shove or hit you?
constantly call you or show up at your work or home to make sure you are where you said you would be?
blame you for how he/she feels or acts?
prevent you from doing the things you want?
call you names?
If you or someone you know is in a domestic violence situation, you can get help and more information at www.padv.org
Having a glowing vision of the future helps you tackle the core beliefs about yourself—such as doubts about your own worthiness for success—that have held you back until now. So as you peel back the curtains around your core self, you become ready to tap the source of all change and success—self-love, and forgiveness for past failures.
Self-love doesn't happen by luck or the grace of God. You have to create it. These are among the most important elements of it.
Honoring yourself and who you really are. Love is your birthright. As Teilhard de Chardin said, "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."
Telling the highest truth, which is that we are powerful beings capable of creating joy and success or pain and suffering in our lives. We are not destined to be victims. We have the power to choose, and this power is both the greatest responsibility we have and the greatest opportunity.
Honoring who you are becoming. Self-love involves recognizing that you are constantly evolving and growing to become a more powerful and more loving being.
Honoring your feelings and responding to those feelings. Remember, feelings are important signals, and even the so-called negative feelings of anger and fear serve the important purpose of alerting us to the obstacles in our life.
Recognizing that the universe is literally made of love. "If we will just open ourselves to receive, like flowers opening to the sun, then everything is possible," says Ti Caine, hypnotherapist and life coach based in Sherman Oaks, California.
When things go wrong or goals don't materialize, most people blame their past, their parents, life in general or God. We are even encouraged to do this by friends and family who are well-meaning. We also devote a great deal of energy to settling for what is, without recognizing what we can become.
All the great wisdom traditions speak of the unlimited power we have within us. Both quantum physics and psychology offer proof that our thoughts create our reality. Yet, Caine points out, many people strenuously object to the truth that we create our own reality.
"They argue that it's not loving to tell a sick person they had anything to do with creating their illness," he says. "Yet, by not owning their power when they are sick, they are consigning themselves to a life of being a victim of any virus or circumstance that comes their way. This powerlessness is the source of most depression, and it leads to more illness and problems such as overeating."
He insists it is more honest and even more loving to gently help people recognize the power they have to create their reality, including failures. Once we do that, then we must forgive ourselves for the painful experiences we have previously chosen in our lives. "I don't know all the parts of me that are creating the failed relationships, but I am willing to learn about them."
Only by seeing how in the past we have allowed problems to control us, and forgiving ourselves, can we really change and be free to go forward in life feeling more powerful, able to create the success and happiness we want.
Forgiveness, says Caine, is not only a form of self-love, it is completely an inside job. First you have to own your mistakes. Here is how.
Imagine a future where you totally love yourself and have totally owned your power.
Reach for an understanding of why you would choose limitations in your life. We are often taught by family and life experiences that being weak, sick or helpless is the way to get attention or help. Look at your own and other peoples attempts to get acceptance, attention and love. Ask yourself, what was I taught about being lovable? About being powerful and responsible for my life?
Then forgive yourself for having made mistakes. Imagine how your future self would forgive you for a mistake.
Then you can consciously create better methods for getting the acceptance, attention, love and success that you want.
Maybe you just came out of the hardest year(s) of your life. Perhaps you had a major illness. Or you lost a loved one. Or your house. You lost your job. You divorced. You were attacked. You got into a major accident. Drugs. A suicide attempt.
You just barely made it out alive. The situation was so overwhelming, you wonder how you made it at all. You are sitting here. Alive. Trying to make sense of it all. Trying to piece your life back together. Maybe you are still in the process of leaving it.
Struggling with your faith.
I think of the story of Lot and his wife in the Bible. They barely escaped a burning city. They were exhausted. They lost everything. Their house. Their neighbors. The entire life they knew, the whole city was gone in a matter of minutes.
Are you looking back on a burning city? Are you looking back on what you lost?
Perhaps you used to be smarter, faster, more beautiful in the past. And all you do is sit and remember the life you knew and loved.
God is trying to increase your faith in Him.
God is trying to get you to release that past and trust Him.
God is trying to get you to a new level of living.
God is trying to get you to the Promise land, the life He has especially in store for you.
But you have to be willing to trust Him. To lean on Him when your faith is weak. To take you through the valley so you can reach the mountaintop.
Every time you reach back for that old life, you will feel it, and know it.
Are you looking back on a burning city, or are you looking forward to God's promises in your life?
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
(2 Corinthians 12:9)
Sometimes God will use your life as a living testimony to others, for the glory of His Kingdom.
Let me give you an example.
In Acts 27 and 28, there is the story of Paul, who was supposed to be sailing to Rome when his ship encountered a horrible storm. This storm was unlike any other and God warned him that the ship would be destroyed but that the men would not be harmed.
As the ship began to break up, the guards thought they would have to kill the men who couldn't swim to shore. But instead, God allowed those who couldn't swim to float to shore on the broken pieces.
Even when they got to the island, their problems didn't stop there. They began to gather firewood and set up camp with the natives, and Paul was bitten by a hidden snake that leaped out of the fire.
The natives said to themselves, surely this man must be a murderer. First he escapes the sea, and now he is bit by a snake! He will not escape God's justice for whatever he has done! He will swell up and fall down dead!
Here they were, talking mess about Paul, while warming themselves at the fire he had made!
But instead of listening to them and getting discouraged, Paul shook off the snake and kept working.
After they looked for a while and saw that he did not die, they figured he must be a god of some sort.
While he stayed on that island, he healed their sick, and he converted many lives to Jesus.
Here are the lessons of this story:
1. God's grace is more than enough for your needs.
2. The storms of life will come, but stay in obedience to His will.
3. You can use the broken bits God gave you to save yourself and others.
4. People will talk about you, even as you are saving them. Use it as an opportunity for God.
5. Sometimes you will get bit by a snake. Shake it off. Thank God it bit you and not them, because your faith is much stronger than theirs. Your life will be used as a testimony to others.
You've met a black man.
He's all about the Revolution and empowerment in his community.
He eats nothing but leaves, water, and air.
His hair is one long matted dread with many spriglet babies shooting off them.
He smells like frankincense and funk.
He brushes his teeth with a strawberry chew stick.
His deodorant is made of the finest organic tree sap.
His carbon footprint is miniscule because he has no car.
He believes in 2012 aliens will come down and pick up only black people.
He says marriage is a European tradition and in the Motherland, they had rites of passage ceremonies where men could marry 4 wives.
His sandals are made of recycled tires.
Everything you think you know, you have no idea. Only he knows the "true story" behind the conspiracy.
He believes a woman's role is in the home. He belittles your ideas of traditional values.
His own value system changes depending on which Black Nationalist leader is in town.
He doesn't believe in condoms because they are made of latex. And he has 11 kids by 5 other women.
He has a god. And his name is Bob Marley.
He sells organic smoothies and fragrance oil in front of your job.
And you are madly in love with him.
My dearest loved one. You have just fallen in love with a culture pimp.
This spriglet man is a rolling stone. He talks a good game about commitment. Marriage. Being a good provider of the family. But look at his actions. His track record. He's trying to indoctrinate you into a religion where all the women share the same man. All of them serve his selfish polygamist needs.
You are NOT going to be happy living like this.
It's time to let him go.
Now there are plenty of amazing spriglet men out there that never turn to the darkside become culture pimps who manipulate women. But if you are dating someone that makes you feel like they know everything and are conscious, and they view you as still asleep.....then recognize the kind of man you are dealing with.
So many times I hear women talk about the qualities they are looking for in a man.
"I need a man that goes to church. That loves his family. That is making good money. That is 6 foot 3. That looks like Morris Chestnut. That wants to spend all his money on me. That takes me on trips. That loves my four kids and can beat down they baby daddies. That has a nice car and all his teeth. That's loving and kind and has a great life and would never cheat on me."
I just look at them blankly.
And then I listen to them tell me about their lives.
They never go to church. They constantly fight with their family. They are living check to check. They are bitchy, they don't go to the gym and take care of themselves. They are stingy with their money. They have never traveled out of the state. They treat their own kids as a burden that stops them from partying. Either their car is always breaking down, or some man is paying the notes. Her teeth, hair, and eye color aren't real. And they talk about everyone like a dog. Their main claim to fame is that they are a super judgmental diva and everyone should bow down to their will. They don't understand the true meaning of real commitment, because they always have a man on the side, trying to keep their "options open."
How do you expect for God to bless you with this glorious man if you don't have your own shit together?
Everything you have on your list, you should already be for yourself!
You can't expect a good man like this to get with you and want to stick and stay! How will you improve his life? Will you make him miserable? Why should he have to fix you up and help your condition? Will you even want to change, or will you just drag him down?
If you are the woman I've described, the only man you need is Jesus. And maybe a good therapist.
You have too much baggage going on. You need to get your life in order so you can love yourself first. Then you can be in a position to be loved by someone else.
Sometimes a man will just straight out tell you the deal and you won't listen to him.
"I'm not looking for a commitment."
"I just got out of a bad break up".
"I just want someone to hang out with."
"I've never seen myself as the marrying kind."
"What do you think about open marriages?"
"Most of my relationships end because I can't be faithful."
"I ain't trying to hurt no one, I'm just trying to have some fun."
"I got a girl, but I'm trying to see what's up with you."
When a man tells you UPFRONT that he does not have the long term commitment qualities you are looking for, you should BELIEVE HIM. That brotha is not interested in seriously dating you long term. He enjoys what's happening in the moment. When he tells you these things, he is trying to really warn you because his conscience is bugging him. If you don't listen, then he doesn't feel the least bit bad that you are giving your goods away to him. He figures in his mind, "well, at least I did tell her."
It doesn't matter what kind of potential you see in him. I'm sure he is a great guy. I'm sure his momma and his friends love him dearly. But he is simply not the marrying kind. He's the sleep-with-no-strings kinda guy. You must not get your heart too attached to a guy like this.
If you aren't looking for a long term commitment, and just want to hit and quit, then this is the guy for you.
But if you are looking long term, then keep a guy like this as an arms-length friend. Save yourself a lot of grief and heartache. He's a much better friend, and you can laugh and shake your head at all the crazy stories he will tell you about his dating life.
My friend Shayla posted this on YouTube. I think it's a great video. Here are her 10 things you should look for in a mate:
1. Mutual respect during a disagreement.
2. He loves you without the hair, make up, clothes.
3. He includes you in his future.
4. They make a consistent effort to communicate when you aren't happy.
5. They pick up the phone when you call or call right back shortly.
6. They send sweet messages once a day.
7. There is mutual joy when you are around each other.
8. The family and friends like him and vice versa.
9. You are both attracted to each other (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual).
10.You started off as friends with each other and you are comfortable being yourself.
Today, I want you to stop believing the hype.
Stop believing in 10 to 1 ratios.
Stop thinking there is a shortage of men.
Stop thinking you will have to share a man, or that he will cheat on you.
Stop thinking you will have to steal someone else's piece of man.
Stop thinking that you will have to settle. Or marry outside your race. Or date an old man dressed like friggin Steve Harvey.
(If that's what you choose to do, then fine. Do it because you really love that white guy, and his old ass is amazing.)
But don't do it out of fear that you will never find a man.
In fact, stop reading all these "How to get a Man" self help books, anyway.
There ain't nothing wrong with you.
And if there is, you already know what it is, and the steps to work on it, if you want to change it.
Stop letting this media pressure you and control your mind.
There are plenty of good men around. The problem is you focus on scarcity.
Therefore, all you experience is scarcity.
If you decided to focus on abundance, you'd have abundance!
If you woke up everyday and said,
"I have enough of everything I need. God has provided me more than I need for today. I have more than enough love. More than enough food, water, shelter, sex, security, money. More than enough friends. More than enough admirers. And today is the day I need to be more specific with my prayer. I'm gonna pray for exactly what I want in a mate. I'm gonna be the things I ask for. And I'm gonna let it go and wait for God to send it."
If you began to focus on that everyday and truly believe it, you would have it.
(And you'd have it much sooner than you think!)
God knows your wants and your needs and desires before you even ask it.
You don't have to beg Him. You don't have to take it into your own hands to get it.
Just be you. Enjoy you. Be good to yourself and others. And someone will come along and see all the wonderful things you are and want to be a part of that.
You already know the work you need to do that keeps you from meeting Mr. Right.
Do you the "soul work" that you know you need to do to be the best "you" you can be. Let the fear, and the anger and the garbage go, so God can bless you with what you keep asking for.
So I've been dating a guy for the past year. It's getting pretty serious. And we are making all these plans to live this future life together. He's named our imaginary kid. He even watches marathons of "Say Yes to the Dress" with me. But it's just not manifesting in the time frame I envisioned it.
If I had my way, it'd be tomorrow. (I'm pretty impulsive). If he had his way, it'd be this structured and mapped out and done "the right way". (He is a meticulous planner).
It left me more than frustrated with him (and kinda huffy). So, I decided to ask a man about it.
He's a life coach. Songwriter. Poet. Painter. An all around Renaissance man and a good friend. I decided to ask his advice. What he said surprised me. I learned that it was less about my partner, and more about my own expectations, projections, and insecurities.
Tray: Brandhi, I'm really confused about men and their concept of future planning. We know we want to be together. We were both on board with the future planning. Then I asked him for a specific time frame. How long will all this planning take? How much money do we need? When can we plan to buy a house?
And he got quiet. And now we are all "weird". He says to relax. And that I am making this too complicated.
You always talking about radiating love. I am friggin' radiating love! If I wasn't, he wouldn't be with me! This mess is making me neurotic. I know it's only been a year, but does he see marriage in his future? We always talk about it, but when exactly is it gonna happen!
Brandhi: Are you sure you are radiating love? Because if you are, love would come back to you. If you are radiating indecision, indecision will come back to you. If you are radiating fear of abandonment, fear of abandonment will come back to you. If you are radiating "Brotha Back UP!!"..."Brother back up will come back to you. And if you are confused...... (you guessed it)
Tray: I see what you are saying. I need to focus my energy more clearly --like a laser.
Brandhi: You do. Correct. It's not really about HIM. He is just the "report card" on how you are REALLY focusing....or not focusing. If you are focused on patience, compassion, humility and forgiveness (and here is the clincher) FOR YOURSELF ...all those things will come to you in another. Most people hope to find these quailities in another FIRST rather than develop them in themselves first.
Tray: A light bulb just went off! That's actually making sense to me. Well, I've been doing me and working on my path, minding my own business, and poof! He comes out the woodwork talking about rearranging me and giving me this perfect life. I didn't ask for no man. I was happy! And he was the one that started all this marriage talk in the first place! Now he's got my nose wide open. And it was soundin' real good. Now that I'm invested, I feel like he snatched it away from me! Now I'm sitting here all confused, thinking, 'why even show it to me in the first place?' I could-a had a V8.
Brandhi: That is because...it was NEVER ABOUT HIM. Pretend that everything you experience....what you see, taste, hear, feel, smell are all happening inside your mind. EVERYTHING. That would mean that everything that happens to you IS YOUR FAULT .....or YOUR VICTORY. Everything else is an illusion. It's just you and God....dancing. If you blame it on MEN, you give US too much power over your happiness. WE should be bowing to your magic. Never the other way around.
Tray: Well, I thought I was doing that! But then I got all off course and it became about him! Boy, I will not be doing that again.
Brandhi: Yes you will.
Tray: II grew up believing that this is what we are supposed to do, put you guys first and be a helpmate.
Brandhi: Thats slightly bulls***t ...but only slightly. Before you put me FIRST, make sure that you and I are the same kind of animal or you will be putting a WHALE in charge of you and you are a DEER. So whatever makes him THRIVE will kill you and whatever makes YOU happy will kill him. You have to make sure FIRST that you are the same kinds of animal and you both enjoy the same kinds of things. You both are passionate about the same kinds of things. After you are sure about that, After you LOVE each other rather than possess each other... After you see that his support of your causes makes him feel good about himself... And when you support him you feel good about yourself... THEN you can let him lead.
Tray: Ugh!!! (throws up hands) This is so much work, wtf... And you aren't speaking English.... it's fluent "life coach". I'm too impatient for this kinda crap, I'm getting hives just thinking about it.
Brandhi: Heaven ain't free and shouldn't be. I don't want no insecure-ass-dysfunctional-punks who need their ego stroked every 5 minutes sitting next to me in heaven. Nawww....make it hurt. Work on it. But the good news is... You are in the game. You care.
Tray: LMAO I'm in the game.... and sweatin.
Brandhi: You said earlier that you give up. No you won't. You know why? Because the very essence of YOU is what you seek.....LOVE. You are LOVE. So....all you have to do is KNOW YOURSELF (love) BETTER. And when you have it mastered in you....it will come to you. Know yourself better. Thats it. Once you are comfortable with the REALNESS of it....it will show up in EVERYTHING. And your "report card" ....will change. I believe ANY woman can have ANY man she wants ...if she reprograms herself to that end. She doesn't even have to mess with him. He will end up coming to her.
...Now, from a man's perspective... .....I mean from his side...
Tray: Great....(rolls her eyes)... Ok, tell me his side.
Brandhi: Every man just wants to please his mother. So you represent his mother and all he wants to do is please you and impress upon you that he is a capable and worthy man. If he has big things, he wants to show what he has accomplished. If he DOESN'T have big accomplishments...or he is not proud of where I am in my life....he will want impress you ....WITH MY DREAMS. He wants you to be proud of him. That is the core of a man in relation to a woman he loves.
Tray: (another A-HA moment for me) So you are saying that I should just let him dream. That he and I just need to dream, and enjoy and just be happy with the dream for now?
Brandhi: Kind of.
Back to YOUR side of things... What you may have revealed in him when you asked him the questions about the future is a man that MAY have second thoughts about his future with you and what he want out of life in general. Don't sweat him about it. HE has to make that decision freely without you. After all you don't want A husband. You want YOUR husband and HE has to be just as sure as you that he is making the right decision freely. So allow him to find his focus on his hopes, dreams and goals without you.
Tray: I don't know if he has a concrete, tangible plan, other than dreaming about what could be. But, I hope so. I do believe in him.
Brandhi: A man's plan has to be a mathematical plan that can actually be executed. Some men KNOW they won't be able to execute it and they KNOW they don't have much but they also know that a woman wants a man who has either accomplish SOMETHING or has a plan to accomplish something. So they are not going to give you conversation that does not have things they plan to accomplish in the future because they know it's not attractive...even though they may know they can't obtain those goals.
Tray: I don't understand. I am a woman that gets things done. I would help him accomplish whatever goals gladly. Does he feel he gotta have everything sorted ahead of time?
Brandhi: A man is thinking, "I don't want you to help me hunt, Mama. I want YOU to be proud of the dragons that I SLAY. How would it look you slaying my dragons for me. Then I won't ever feel like I grew up. I can't let you do that. I would rather be a bum. I would rather sell drugs. I would rather risk jail time. And that is what BLACK MAN does. All so you can be proud of me."
Tray: Man, that is heavy. Deep. Ok, so let me get this straight, because I know you don't speak standard English. You are saying that I am my own man? And when I know myself, he will come?
Brandhi: I am saying.... That when you have a sexy black dress on... And you look at yourself in a full length mirror... And you say "Hmmmmmm dang girl, you looking goood" But you see a big piece of lint on the dress... You don't touch the mirror to get the lint off....you change yourself and then the image in the mirror INSTANTLY CHANGES."
Tray: OOOOOooooh!!!! Man, you should really write a book.
Brandhi: It's hard work because it's easier to get someone else to change....or get them to SAY they will change so we can feel good about ourselves. However, the REAL WORK has to be done from within YOU. And your REPORT CARD for how you are doing is WHAT and WHO appears in your life. No exceptions.
Tray: Now that makes perfect sense. Another question...How do you know when you've met the person you are supposed to be with?
Brandhi: HOW?? That is like asking "How do I know when I have gotten the lint off my dress?" Just as you have learned to trust your judgement in what you SEE, you will learn to trust your judgement in what you FEEL as well But you have to spend time in there with yourself long enough to know. Most people get OTHER PEOPLE to occupy their space and time and then call it LOVE when actually it's an occupation of a space that YOU SHOULD BE OCCUPYING. Then when they leave, you feel a void. The void is actually YOUR original space for you to love yourself ...first.
Tray: Okay, Bran. Thank you for all of your insight today. I'm glad I asked a man, because I was clueless. Most of the time, I walk around thinking you all must be bi-polar.
So, ladies, if you are constantly having the "Where is this going?" conversation and beating a dead horse, like I am with my man... then maybe this post is for you. You might be ruining a perfectly good relationship obsessing over marriage. You should "Ask a Man." Since I had this conversation, I know longer feel anxiety over when, where, and how this will happen. I believe in my man.
It's like my man always tells me,
"I love you, you love me. We both have the same vision in mind. It's gone be ready when it's ready."
(He knows that if he gave me an exact date and it passed, I'd be all worked up again, anyway.)