When He Truly Loves You...

I was asked; "How do you know if a man truly loves you?" This is an age old question that woman like to ask and know the answer to.

1. He will give you his last even when he is in need himself;

2. He will work 2 or 3 jobs to provide security for you and your children;

3. He will lay down his life for you without asking;

4. He will volunteer to provide support for you without you asking;

5.He will be proud to bring you around his mother and family;

6. He will defend your honor against anyone while in your presence or not;

7. He will show and tell you how much he loves you and what you mean to him

8. He will listen to you and always take your concerns seriously

9. He will make adjustments in his life in a positive way to become the man you believe him to be

10. He will try to give you the world

11. He will put you first

12. The bulk of his time will be spent with you when he is not at work

13. He will buy you things that he knows you like when you least expect it

14. He will cook for you and help around the house and with the children to ease your load

.....Most men are not verbal, so we speak through or actions,and its through his actions, not his words, that you will be able to know how he truly feels. A man that loves a woman will try his best to give her the world and everything in it..The above is a bullet proof gauge and standard to go by to know if a man really loves you. Hope this helps..Peace.

-Shadid McDonald

How Do You Know?

When you've met him...

Life just feels more lovely when he's in it.
He's your biggest cheering section.
He loves your character, praises what you view as physical flaws.
Listens to you intently.
Tells you clearly his future plan for you.
When he's already named your future kids!
When he asks you for a detailed vision of your lives together for the next 70 years, just so he can cross each off the list.
Makes your heart and stomach flutter when he's near you.
Calls you out when you frontin'.
When he'd rather leave than argue.
When you have a relationship built on friendship and trust.
When you've got years of history together.
Teaches and encourages your spiritual growth.
When he says, let's wait and do this right.
Becomes a role model for your son, sets the example for the man your daughter should marry.
Your family and friends respect him and his principles rub off on them.
You can see Christ in his walk, and he never quibbles over pettiness.
He is the "everyman", yet is extraordinary.
When he sets the standard for every man you've ever met.
When he remembers details of things you said you liked years ago.
When you can respect each others goals, and space.
When you can watch TV or sit in silence and be at peace.
He makes you laugh as whispers how beautiful you are, and how lucky he is to have you.
When winning an arguement no longer matters.
When he calls you when you wake, when he's the last you speak at night.
When he'd sacrifice just to see you happy.
When he doesn't believe in unnecessary drama.
When you can envision him old and distinguished.
When you wake up every day wanting to see or speak to him.
When you wake up everyday thanking God you know him.
When he's so sexy you can't keep your hands off him.
When you watch him command a room.
When you study his face, his hair, his lips, his voice, his mannerisms.
When he makes you want to be a better you, but loves you just as you are.
When you both can't stop saying, "I love you".

That's when you know.
You have met the right one.

Shackin' and Packin'

This one is for those that are co-habitating with their mate without a marriage.

Either you "shacking up", meaning you have a drawer over there and you are living together....
or you "packing up", meaning you have your stuff in an overnight bag and you are over there every night.

Either way, you should really consider sticking up for what you really want, which is marriage.

Living together is not marriage.
Spending every night over someone's house is not marriage.

Marriage is a commitment you make to your partner and to God.
It is a covenant. 

When you co-habitate, this is rooted in selfishness.
You are essentially saying "I'm going to see how good you can take care of me before I will commit to you. And if you jack up, I'm leaving". And even if you do finally get a ring and get married, they will still judge you based on your performance.

The minute things get hard, they are gone.



There is no true commitment when you shack up.

Listen to your Grandma.

Marriage Expirations in Mexico

According to Yahoo News, Mexico City lawmakers study an initiative to introduce marriage licenses that could expire after 2 years, the Catholic Church is denouncing the proposal as an attack on marriage. Read more: http://yhoo.it/vquZgh

Here's my take on it:

Why even get married if you are going to create an "out clause" to end it?


To me, you are going into it with the wrong perspective in the first place. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. And there will be times when it gets hard, and it ain't fun.


You have made an oath to God and to your friends and family to stay care for and love this person.

This man has taken a vow to protect you-- that means he's willing to take a bullet for you and your children.

The same for a wife-- She has taken an oath to God to risk her life bearing your children.



 Don't be so quick to give up on each other, just because Marcus in Accounting listens to you whine about your husband.

Trust me, sis. Marcus ain't taking no bullet for you.



When you open a window of opportunity to Marcus, you close the door with your husband.

(Clever, huh?  I learned that from watching Jimmy & Karen.)







Listen, if you are single, recognize the difference between wanting to be married, and truly being in love with a person.

Don't get married unless you really are in love and like and respect a person on a friendship level. Romance and looks can fade, and you need to be able to enjoy their personality and have a decent conversation with them. I can't tell you how many times I hear, "I love my spouse, but I hate their ways". If you are married to somebody, but you live two separate lives with your friends, and you gotta keep them from knowing what you really like doing, then it's really not worth it.

You should truly be your spouse's best friend, and vice versa. Someone you would love to kick it with even if there wasn't romance involved.

If it's all about the sex, or money, you are going to be miserable.

Even though you might like different things, you should really have plenty of things in common--- especially when it comes to child rearing, finances, sex, spirituality, conflict resolution, etc. Find someone you really "LIKE" not just love.

Don't get married unless you are willing to take a bullet for them.

A Word about Soul Mates

There will always be elements of people you enjoy, especially when it comes to a potential mate.
The people in your life all have some purpose for being there. The women in your life have mirror elements of who you are, or who you wish to become. The men in your life have mirror elements of the traits you are looking for in yourself. It's natural to build and bond and make connections with people, because we all come from God, and we all have pieces of the puzzle-- pieces and expressions of His joy.

It's important when choosing a mate to not get too caught up in these pieces or elements of the puzzle. When you first meet them, lust takes over, and you will find all types of similar connections there. Some men you will love their smile and humor. Some men, you will love how they command a room. Still others you will love how they passionate they are about a particular subject.

You will think to yourself, if I can just take this element from this  guy, and pair it with this guy's body, and that guy's personality...if I can throw these men together, he would be the right one.

But I think it's important to just ENJOY your friends and surroundings, more so than FINDING YOUR SOUL MATE.

The word "soulmate" is deceiving. It implies that you have a lack, until you meet this person. Putting such a high priority on meeting and loving someone puts you in danger of worshiping them as an idol. That is not God's intent for your life.

God places these people in your life for life lessons. They have their own path, and they stop on your doorstep for a lesson and keep it moving.

Even our spouses and children have their own paths in life.

If you put God first, and you just enjoy and recognize all the connections, you will have a pretty full life.

And perhaps God will one day bring you a person that has the elements you like, to learn the lessons you need in one package. Make sure you both put God first and allow Him to bring you together.

You both are much more useful serving His purpose for your lives, than focusing on possessing and completing each other.

Are You Being Abused?

Lots of times, people don't even realize they are in an abusive relationship. 1 in 3 women will experience abuse in their lifetime, and it occurs every 7 seconds in America.

There are many types of abuse:

PHYSICAL ABUSE

Physical abuse is easier to recognize and understand than other types of abuse. It can be indicated when the batterer:

Scratches, bites, grabs or spits at a current or former intimate partner. Shakes, shoves, pushes, restrains or throws her. Twists, slaps, punches, strangles or burns the victim. Throws objects at her. Subjects her to reckless driving. Locks her in or out of the house. Refuses to help when she’s sick, injured or pregnant, or withholds medication or treatment. Withholds food as punishment. Abuses her at mealtime, which disrupts eating patterns and can result in malnutrition. Abuses her at night, which disrupts sleeping patterns and can result in sleep deprivation. Attacks her with weapons or kills her.

SEXUAL VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Sexual violence and abuse can be extraordinarily difficult for victims to talk about because of the ways in which this type of violence often is perpetrated. Sexual violence or abuse can be indicated when the batterer:

Is jealously angry and assumes she will have sex with anyone. Withholds sex and affection as punishment. Calls her sexual names. Pressures her to have sex when she doesn’t want to. Insists that his partner dress in a more sexual way than she wants. Coerces sex by manipulation or threats. Physically forces sex or is sexually violent. Coerces her into sexual acts that she is uncomfortable with, such as sex with a third party, physically painful sex, sexual activity she finds offensive or verbal degradation during sex. Inflicts injuries that are sex-specific. Denies the victim contraception or protection against sexually transmitted diseases.

PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

It is the abuser’s use of physical and sexual force or threats that gives power to his psychologically abusive acts. Psychological abuse becomes an effective weapon in controlling a victim, because she knows through experience that her abuser will at times back up the threats or taunts with physical assaults. Psychological abuse can be indicated when the batterer:

Breaks promises, doesn’t follow through on agreements or doesn’t take a fair share of responsibility. Verbally attacks and humiliates his partner in private or public. Attacks her vulnerabilities, such as her language abilities, educational level, skills as a parent, religious and cultural beliefs or physical appearance. Plays mind games, such as when he denies requests he has made previously or when he undercuts her sense of reality. Forces her to do degrading things. Ignores her feelings. Withholds approval or affection as punishment. Regularly threatens to leave or tells his partner to leave. Harasses her about affairs he imagines her to be having. Stalks her. Always claims to be right. Is unfaithful after committing to monogamy.

ECONOMIC ABUSE

Economic abuse can be indicated when the batterer:

Controls all the money. Doesn’t let her work outside the home or sabotages her attempts to work or go to school. Refuses to work and makes her support the family. Ruins her credit rating.

THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN VIOLENCE AND OTHER TACTICS OF CONTROL

Domestic violence is not an isolated, individual event but rather a pattern of repeated behaviors. Assaults are repeated against the same victim by the same perpetrator. These assaults occur in different forms, including physical, sexual, psychological and economic. While physical assaults might occur infrequently, other parts of the pattern can occur daily. The use of these other tactics is effective because one battering episode builds on past episodes and sets the stage for future episodes. All tactics of the pattern interact and have profound effects on the victims. Examples of commonly used control tactics include:

Isolation Using the children Damaging relationships Attacking property and pets Stalking partner or ex-partner

Intimate partner violence is hurtful and abusive behaviors used by one partner to control and have power over another intimate partner. These behaviors can include threats, physical assault, forced sex, financial control, isolation, and emotional abuse, like name calling.

How safe is your home? Are you in an abusive relationship? Use the following checklist to help determine if you are being abused.

Does your partner... 

• make fun of you in front of your family or friends?
• put down your accomplishments or goals?
• make you feel like you can’t make decisions?
• use force or threats to make you do what he/she wants?
• tell you that you are nothing without him/her?
• treat you roughly – grab, push, shove or hit you?
• constantly call you or show up at your work or home to make sure you are where you said you would be?
• blame you for how he/she feels or acts?
• withhold affection?
• prevent you from doing the things you want?
• call you names?

If you or someone you know is in a domestic violence situation, you can get help and more information at  www.padv.org

Culture Pimpin'

You've met a black man.
He's all about the Revolution and empowerment in his community.
He eats nothing but leaves, water, and air.
His hair is one long matted dread with many spriglet babies shooting off them.
He smells like frankincense and funk.
He brushes his teeth with a strawberry chew stick.
His deodorant is made of the finest organic tree sap.
His carbon footprint is miniscule because he has no car.
He believes in 2012 aliens will come down and pick up only black people.
He says marriage is a European tradition and in the Motherland, they had rites of passage ceremonies where men could marry 4 wives.
His sandals are made of recycled tires.
Everything you think  you know, you have no idea. Only he knows the "true story" behind the conspiracy.
He believes a woman's role is in the home. He belittles your ideas of traditional values.
His own value system changes depending on which Black Nationalist leader is in town.
He doesn't believe in condoms because they are made of latex. And he has 11 kids by 5 other women.
He has a god. And his name is Bob Marley.
He sells organic smoothies and fragrance oil in front of your job.

And you are madly in love with him.

My dearest loved one. You have just fallen in love with a culture pimp.
This spriglet man is a rolling stone. He talks a good game about commitment. Marriage. Being a good provider of the family. But look at his actions. His track record. He's trying to indoctrinate you into a religion where all the women share the same man. All of them serve his selfish polygamist needs.

You are NOT going to be happy living like this.
It's time to let him go.

Now there are plenty of amazing spriglet men out there that never turn to the darkside become culture pimps who manipulate women. But if you are dating someone that makes you feel like they know everything and are conscious, and they view you as still asleep.....then recognize the kind of man you are dealing with.

They sure are good to look at, though....lol.

Do you Possess What's on Your Own List?

So many times I hear women talk about the qualities they are looking for in a man.

"I need a man that goes to church. That loves his family. That is making good money. That is 6 foot 3. That looks like Morris Chestnut. That wants to spend all his money on me. That takes me on trips. That loves my four kids and can beat down they baby daddies. That has a nice car and all his teeth. That's loving and kind and has a great life and would never cheat on me."

I just look at them blankly.
And then I listen to them tell me about their lives.

They never go to church. They constantly fight with their family. They are living check to check. They are  bitchy, they don't go to the gym and take care of themselves. They are stingy with their money. They have never traveled out of the state. They treat their own kids as a burden that stops them from partying. Either their car is always breaking down, or some man is paying the notes. Her teeth, hair, and eye color aren't real. And they talk about everyone like a dog. Their main claim to fame is that they are a super judgmental diva and everyone should bow down to their  will. They don't understand the true meaning of real commitment, because they always have a man on the side, trying to keep their "options open."

Listen, sis.

How do you expect for God to bless you with this glorious man if you don't have your own shit together?
Everything you have on your list, you should already be for yourself!
You can't expect a good man like this to get with you and want to stick and stay! How will you improve his life? Will you make him miserable? Why should he have to fix you up and help your condition? Will you even want to change, or will you just drag him down?

If you are the woman I've described, the only man you need is Jesus. And maybe a good therapist.

You have too much baggage going on. You need to get your life in order so you can  love yourself first. Then you can be in a position to be loved by someone else.

  

No Means No: He Can't Be What You Need

Sometimes a man will just straight out tell you the deal and you won't listen to him.

"I'm not looking for a commitment."
"I just got out of a bad break up".
"I just want someone to hang out with."
"I've never seen myself as the marrying kind."
"What do you think about open marriages?"
"Most of my relationships end because I can't be faithful."
"I ain't trying to hurt no one, I'm just trying to have some fun."
"I got a girl, but I'm trying to see what's up with you."

When a man tells you UPFRONT that he does not have the long term commitment qualities you are looking for, you should BELIEVE HIM. That brotha is not interested in seriously dating you long term. He enjoys what's happening in the moment. When he tells you these things, he is trying to really warn you because his conscience is bugging him. If you don't listen, then he doesn't feel the least bit bad that you are giving your goods away to him. He figures in his mind, "well, at least I did tell her."

It doesn't matter what kind of potential you see in him. I'm sure he is a great guy. I'm sure his momma and his friends love him dearly. But he is simply not the marrying kind. He's the sleep-with-no-strings kinda guy. You must not get your heart too attached to a guy like this.

If you aren't looking for a long term commitment, and just want to hit and quit, then this is the guy for you.
But if you are looking long term, then keep a guy like this as an arms-length friend. Save yourself a lot of grief and heartache. He's a much better friend, and you can laugh and shake your head at all the crazy stories he will tell you about his dating life.

Is He a Good Catch?

        

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3wVYxaWgXQ

My friend Shayla posted this on YouTube. I think it's a great video. Here are her 10 things you should look for in a mate:

1. Mutual respect during a disagreement.
2. He loves you without the hair, make up, clothes.
3. He includes you in his future.
4. They make a consistent effort to communicate when you aren't happy.
5. They pick up the phone when you call or call right back shortly.
6. They send sweet messages once a day.
7. There is mutual joy when you are around each other.
8. The family and friends like him and vice versa.
9. You are both attracted to each other (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual).
10.You started off as friends with each other and you are comfortable being yourself.

10 to 1 Ratios

Black women.....
Today, I want  you to stop believing the hype.
Stop believing in 10 to 1 ratios.
Stop thinking there is a shortage of men.
Stop thinking you will have to share a man, or that he will cheat on you.
Stop thinking you will have to steal someone else's piece of man.
Stop thinking that you will have to settle. Or marry outside your race. Or date an old man dressed like friggin Steve Harvey.
(If that's what you choose to do, then fine. Do it because you really love that white guy, and his old ass is amazing.)
But don't do it out of fear that you will never find a man.
In fact, stop reading all these "How to get a Man" self help books, anyway.

There ain't nothing wrong with you.
And if there is, you already know what it is, and the steps to work on it, if you want to change it.

Stop letting this media pressure you and control your mind.

There are plenty of good men around. The problem is you focus on scarcity.
Therefore, all you experience is scarcity.

If you decided to focus on abundance, you'd have abundance!

If you woke up everyday and said,
"I have enough of everything I need. God has provided me more than I need for today. I have more than enough love. More than enough food, water, shelter, sex, security, money. More than enough friends. More than enough admirers. And today is the day I need to be more specific with my prayer. I'm gonna pray for exactly what I want in a mate. I'm gonna be the things I ask for. And I'm gonna let it go and wait for God to send it."

Guess what.

If you began to focus on that everyday and truly believe it, you would have it.
(And you'd have it much sooner than you think!)

God knows your wants and your needs and desires before you even ask it.
You don't have to beg Him. You don't have to take it into your own hands to get it.

Just be you. Enjoy you. Be good to yourself and others. And someone will come along and see all the wonderful things you are and want to be a part of that.

You already know the work you need to do that keeps you from meeting Mr. Right.
Do you the "soul work" that you know you need to do to be the best "you" you can be. Let the fear, and the anger and the garbage go, so God can bless you with what you keep asking for.

You want a good man?
Be a good woman.

Ask a Man: Are you Marriage Hungry?

So I've been dating a guy for the past year. It's getting pretty serious. And we are making all these plans to live this future life together. He's named our imaginary kid. He even watches marathons of "Say Yes to the Dress" with me. But it's just not manifesting in the time frame I envisioned it. 


If I had my way, it'd be tomorrow. (I'm pretty impulsive).
If he had his way, it'd be this structured and mapped out and done "the right way". (He is a meticulous planner).


It left me more than frustrated with him (and kinda huffy). So, I decided to ask a man about it.


Meet Brandhi Irvon.

He's a life coach. Songwriter. Poet. Painter. An all around Renaissance man and a good friend. I decided to ask his advice. What he said surprised me. I learned that it was less about my partner, and more about my own expectations, projections, and insecurities.


Tray:
Brandhi, I'm really confused about men and their concept of future planning.
We know we want to be together. We were both on board with the future planning. Then I asked him for a specific time frame. How long will all this planning take? How much money do we need? When can we plan to buy a house? 


And he got quiet. And now we are all "weird". He says to relax. And that I am making this too complicated.


 You always talking about radiating love. I am friggin' radiating love! If I wasn't, he wouldn't be with me! This mess is making me neurotic. I know it's only been a year, but does he see marriage in his future? We always talk about it, but when exactly is it gonna happen!


Brandhi:
Are you sure you are radiating love? Because if you are, love would come back to you. If you are radiating indecision, indecision will come back to you. If you are radiating fear of abandonment, fear of abandonment will come back to you. If you are radiating "Brotha Back UP!!"..."Brother back up will come back to you.
And if you are confused...... (you guessed it)


Tray:
I see what you are saying. I need to focus my energy more clearly --like a laser.


Brandhi:
You do. Correct.
It's not really about HIM.
He is just the "report card" on how you are REALLY focusing....or not focusing.
If you are focused on patience, compassion, humility and forgiveness (and here is the clincher)
FOR YOURSELF ...all those things will come to you in another.
Most people hope to find these quailities in another FIRST rather than develop them in themselves first.


Tray:
A light bulb just went off! That's actually making sense to me.
Well, I've been doing me and working on my path, minding my own business, and poof!
He comes out the woodwork talking about rearranging me and giving me this perfect life.
I didn't ask for no man. I was happy! And he was the one that started all this marriage talk in the first place! Now he's got my nose wide open. 
And it was soundin' real good. Now that I'm invested, I feel like he snatched it away from me!
Now I'm sitting here all confused, thinking, 'why even show it to me in the first place?'
I could-a had a V8.


Brandhi:
That is because...it was NEVER ABOUT HIM.
Pretend that everything you experience....what you see, taste, hear, feel, smell are all happening inside your mind. EVERYTHING. That would mean that everything that happens to you IS YOUR FAULT .....or YOUR VICTORY. Everything else is an illusion. It's just you and God....dancing.
If you blame it on MEN, you give US too much power over your happiness.
WE should be bowing to your magic. Never the other way around.


Tray:
Well, I thought I was doing that!
But then I got all off course and it became about him!
Boy, I will not be doing that again.


Brandhi:
Yes you will.


Tray:
II grew up believing that this is what we are supposed to do, put you guys first and be a helpmate.


Brandhi:
Thats slightly bulls***t ...but only slightly.
Before you put me FIRST, make sure that you and I are the same kind of animal or you will be putting a WHALE in charge of you and you are a DEER. So whatever makes him THRIVE will kill you and whatever makes YOU happy will kill him. You have to make sure FIRST that you are the same kinds of animal and you both enjoy the same kinds of things. You both are passionate about the same kinds of things.
After you are sure about that,
After you LOVE each other rather than possess each other...
After you see that his support of your causes makes him feel good about himself...
And when you support him you feel good about yourself...
THEN you can let him lead.


Tray:
Ugh!!! (throws up hands)
This is so much work, wtf...
And you aren't speaking English.... it's fluent "life coach".
I'm too impatient for this kinda crap, I'm getting hives just thinking about it.


Brandhi:
Heaven ain't free and shouldn't be. I don't want no insecure-ass-dysfunctional-punks who need their ego stroked every 5 minutes sitting next to me in heaven. Nawww....make it hurt. Work on it.
But the good news is...
You are in the game. You care.


Tray:
LMAO
I'm in the game.... and sweatin.


Brandhi:
You said earlier that you give up. No you won't. You know why?
Because the very essence of YOU is what you seek.....LOVE.
You are LOVE. So....all you have to do is KNOW YOURSELF (love) BETTER.
And when you have it mastered in you....it will come to you.
Know yourself better.
Thats it. Once you are comfortable with the REALNESS of it....it will show up in EVERYTHING. And your "report card" ....will change.
I believe ANY woman can have ANY man she wants ...if she reprograms herself to that end. She doesn't even have to mess with him. He will end up coming to her. 


...Now, from a man's perspective...
.....I mean from his side...


Tray:
Great....(rolls her eyes)...
Ok, tell me his side.


Brandhi:
Every man just wants to please his mother. So you represent his mother and all he wants to do is please you and impress upon you that he is a capable and worthy man. If he has big things, he wants to show what he has accomplished. If he DOESN'T have big accomplishments...or he is not proud of where I am in my life....he will want impress you ....WITH MY DREAMS. He  wants you to be proud of him.  That is the core of a man in relation to a woman he loves.


Tray:
(another A-HA moment for me)
So you are saying that I should just let him dream. That he and I just need to dream, and enjoy and just be happy with the dream for now?


Brandhi:
Kind of.

 Back to YOUR side of things...
What you may have revealed in him when you asked him the questions about the future is a man that MAY have second thoughts about his future with you and what he want out of life in general. Don't sweat him about it. HE has to make that decision freely without you.  After all you don't want A husband. You want YOUR husband and HE has to be just as sure as you that he is making the right decision freely.  So allow him to find his focus on his hopes, dreams and goals without you.



Tray:
I don't know if he has a concrete, tangible plan, other than dreaming about what could be.
But, I hope so. I do believe in him.


Brandhi:
A man's plan has to be a mathematical plan that can actually be executed. Some men KNOW they won't be able to execute it and they KNOW they don't have much but they also know that a woman wants a man who has either accomplish SOMETHING or has a plan to accomplish something. So they are not going to give you conversation that does not have things they plan to accomplish in the future because they know it's not attractive...even though they may know they can't obtain those goals.


Tray:
I don't understand. I am a woman that gets things done. I would help him accomplish whatever goals gladly.
Does he feel he gotta have everything sorted ahead of time?


Brandhi:
A man is thinking, "I don't want you to help me hunt, Mama. I want YOU to be proud of the dragons that I SLAY.
How would it look you slaying my dragons for me. Then I won't ever feel like I grew up.
I can't let you do that.
I would rather be a bum.
I would rather sell drugs.
I would rather risk jail time.
And that is what BLACK MAN does.
All so you can be proud of me."


Tray:
Man, that is heavy.
Deep.
Ok, so let me get this straight, because I know you don't speak standard English.
You are saying that I am my own man? And when I know myself, he will come?


Brandhi:
I am saying....
That when you have a sexy black dress on...
And you look at yourself in a full length mirror...
And you say "Hmmmmmm dang girl, you looking goood"
But you see a big piece of lint on the dress...
You don't touch the mirror to get the lint off....you change yourself and then the image in the mirror INSTANTLY CHANGES."


Tray:
OOOOOooooh!!!!
Man, you should really write a book.


Brandhi:
It's hard work because it's easier to get someone else to change....or get them to SAY they will change so we can feel good about ourselves. However, the REAL WORK has to be done from within YOU. And your REPORT CARD for how you are doing is WHAT and WHO appears in your life. No exceptions.


Tray:
Now that makes perfect sense.
Another question...How do you know when you've met the person you are supposed to be with?


Brandhi:

 HOW?? That is like asking "How do I know when I have gotten the lint off my dress?" Just as you have learned to trust your judgement in what you SEE, you will learn to trust your judgement in what you FEEL as well
But you have to spend time in there with yourself long enough to know. Most people get OTHER PEOPLE to occupy their space and time and then call it LOVE when actually it's an occupation of a space that YOU SHOULD BE OCCUPYING. Then when they leave, you feel a void. The void is actually YOUR original space for you to love yourself      ...first.


Tray:
Okay, Bran. Thank you for all of your insight today. I'm glad I asked a man, because I was clueless. Most of the time, I walk around thinking you all must be bi-polar.


Brandhi:
"Anytime."




So, ladies, if you are constantly having the "Where is this going?" conversation and beating a dead horse, like I am with my man... then maybe this post is for you. You might be ruining a perfectly good relationship obsessing over marriage. You should "Ask a Man." Since I had this conversation, I know longer feel anxiety over when, where, and how this will happen. I believe in my man. 


It's like my man always tells me,


 "I love you, you love me. 
We both have the same vision in mind. 
It's gone be ready when it's ready."


(He knows that if he gave me an exact date and it passed, I'd be all worked up again, anyway.)

Work on Yourself

Take Ownership for your Part

If you want to live with intention, you have to be willing to take ownership in the creative process. Lots of times we think about who has wronged us, and why this person didn't respect us, or why our parents or lovers didn't love us. It is very easy to look outside ourselves and see who poorly treated us. But it is even more important to recognize the conditions we put in place to allow ourselves to be treated poorly.

In life, there are cycles. Some, more obvious than others. Are you in a cycle of asking for love and appreciation, without fully recognizing that this comes from, and can be filled from within? Stop asking someone to love you. People respect and value what YOU respect and value.

If you meet someone who will not respect it, recognize they don't have to, and recognize that you don't need them to, move on.

This is a painful lesson that humans have to master (especially women), because we get so focused in pleasing others and caring for others, and we want that same level of caring back.

Know this, if you are sitting here, blaming someone for your treatment, you need to take inventory of your actions and emotions you are putting out there. Once you do, you will quickly see that they aren't the problem, it's you, and you need to shift your thinking.

When you do this, do not beat yourself up once you have discovered the problem. Do not dwell on the time you lost or what you gave. Remember, everything in life is a gift. Just as you gave gifts, gifts were given to you, and you will continue to get more to give. And you gave what you did with the information you were able to understand at the time. So never live with regrets. Be easy on yourself. Set boundaries where you need to. Forgive yourself, and forgive others. God doesn't live with regrets and you shouldn't, either.

God knows the beginning and end to every story. Don't stay stuck on this chapter, turn the page.

I want you to remember that every second in life is a growing lesson. Thank God for the growth. You are everywhere you need to be. Nothing is wrong. And there are no coincidences. Every piece of your life fits neatly and makes total sense if you could see the larger vision, instead of looking through our tiny straw. Trust and believe in Him.

Sex in the City Did us a Disservice

This note probably won't be popular, but I believe it's true. 

The show Sex in the City has done "us" a disservice. Especially as Black Women. (My White sistahs, too, but especially "us").

Sure, it's a fun program. Manolos, bed hopping, cat fights, and the like.

But the problem is, life sometimes imitates art. 

And if you watch enough programing, I can guarantee you, it will have an impact on your real life. 

And this goes for any of the reality wives series, or bad girls club, or any other programming not based in reality.

My dearest loved one.

You are not Samantha.

You cannot crawl into bed with 200 men and not somehow be changed.

That shit takes a toll on you.

I know you are sitting here saying, "it's my body, I can do what the fuck I wanna do with it. "

But casual sex is really empty. Nameless, faceless, emotionless sex isn't easy. Perhaps it is easier for the men. But that nigga is broken, too. (You just haven't spent enough time around him yet to see it.)

You, my dear, are not a man.

You are a woman. 

The most beautiful, giving, hard working, intelligent woman. 

So please listen to me.

Stop believing in 10 to 1 ratios. 

Stop believing the hype about casual sex.

You cannot wash your d*ck off in the sink like a man (or do a bird bath in the tub), pull up your pants and keep it movin.  And when he doesn't call, that mess does bothers you. It's ego. You tell your girls he was small. But you were secretly hoping this could be the start of something real.

Stop thinking every man you meet could be THE ONE.

I say all of this to say, honor yourself. And be honest with yourself. If you are looking for something deep, then do your heart a favor and keep your legs closed. Tell him what you need. Listen to his needs.  Hear the brotha out. He may want to actually respect what you don't.

And if you are worried about losing him, he wasn't worth it, anyway. Trust me, you need to know that upfront.

For you to co-sign on some BS and say, sure, I'm looking for something casual too, (when you are not), is a lie to him, and a lie to yourself. No wonder he turns cold when you start asking the "What are we?" question! As far as he knew, you was down with it, now you wanna get all "clingy"!

Truth is, you've always wanted more. You cannot lead with a lie and think the shit will come out roses. Your snatch is not that good, babe. 

Stop listening to your stupid girlfriends. They don't have a man. If they had a relationship, they'd probably kill it. And they aren't happy about you having one, either.

Another thing I took from Sex in the City:  watch your finances.

The chicks on that show must make millions. You know your office job ain't pullin in Manolo money. Why are you breaking your neck to live Haute Couture? You are an office manager living in an apartment! Your car aint paid for! Get your damn priorities in order, loved one.

Signed,

Your just as stupid single girlfriend that loves you.

What's Wrong with Needing Each Other?

I really think we as Black women do a lot of giving, but are poor receivers.
And then when we give, we are disappointed, and ultimately grow resentful if it is not given back to us in the same manner in which it was delivered.

When you meet a great guy, be smart, but try not to compare this situation to the last one. This new guy is not the last guy that hurt you. If this guy wants to do nice things for you, be a lady and allow him. Don't assume he's keeping score and will hold it over your head later. If you don't feel comfortable with him buying big ticket items, that's totally understandable. But wait for him to open the door for you. Wait for him to reach for the dinner bill.

There is nothing wrong with showing a good guy you appreciate him.

Book Review: Men Don't Heal, We Ho'

I'm reading this book right now, called "Men Don't Heal, We Ho" by Steven James Dixon. His grammar is all over the place, here is the jist of what he said:

• Men will say anything to get a piece of ass 
• Men who are in a divorce and loved their wife will go through a ho-ing phase 
• Men will tell you point blank they cant commit and you will still think you can change them 
• Men cheat on their wives when they stop fantasizing about having sex with her 
• If a married man gets divorced and really loves his wife, he will always love her 
• Men are sensitive and do cry, although not often. 
• Do not get with a man that is still in love with the last girl, they will fuck without letting you into their heart 
• Women hear what they want to hear 
• Never try to make a man fall in love with you,especially if he says he cant commit 
• Men ho to mask pain 
• Men treat you sweet as vindication, so you can say, that bitch was crazy for leaving you 
• Interview new prospects, keep your options open, do not date or obsess on one man 
• Men watch who you hang with as a character analysis of who you are 
• Build a firm friendship first, so they respect you before they sleep with you 
• Let them know they are being evaluated, and tell them to do the same 
• Really listen--- show attention for what they say 
• Men size you up for financial potential, career goals, family life 
• Put God first and the man second 
• Men recognize a ho by her ho-conversations 
• Men are visual, they do not think about finding a wife when they see you, they only visualize you naked. 
• When men say "Do you and see others", they are not emotionally connected to you, you are their ho. 
• Men make sure the girl has at least one cute friend so their boy can hit 
• Men will invite many prospects to the same party 
• Do not get into competition over a man, none of you really win 
• Do not approach men. Men only reserve their mack game for 5- star chicks 
• Know when you are the rebound 
• The only reason they marry is for sex and kids 
• Doing nice things for you means I like you for now, you are cool now, not I want to spend my life with you 
• 5 Success factors: Commitment, Communication, Trust, Respect, Love 
• Men are broken from their fathers, and they are the only ones that can heal them
• Never put all your eggs in one basket, and never give up complete dating power 
• If a man knows you like him, he has the power to make you wait while he pursues others and will reject you if you make your true feelings known and hes not on the same page 
• Men like a challenge 
• Women try to figure out what men mean that to hear what he said. You can either: accept, reject it, or reject and keep the relationship as is until you find better 
• I cant be in a relationship now= He will never be in a relationship with you 
• I need to get my money right before we can get married= Im cheating, keeping options open, buying time because you are wifey material 
• I love you, not in love with you= He doesn't love you, and is surprised that he likes you this much 
• Its not you, its me= he is not ready, not worthy and not wanting you 
• Oh, that girl is just a friend= she is just like you 
• Im going out of town, cant talk until Monday = I have an out of town chick, don't call 
• I have to work on Valentines day= I'm hiding out at the crib from all of you 
• I have to find myself=Im fucked up, trying to make you leave, you should have left long time ago 
• I need a friend=you deserve better 
• Show off your skills besides sex 
• Make sure your house is cleaner than his 
• If you have a good man, quit complaining about how he does chores 
• Have sex four times a week, and surprise him 
• Stroke your mans ego 
• Men don't commit because its too much work and have to give up freedom 
• Establish upfront that you are a ho, a girlfriend, or a wife type 
• If you are having a hard time getting a man to commit, you are either, desperate, in denial, or dumb 
• Men date multiple women because they are in no rush to marry 
• Do not tell a man you love them, show them: you have to know them well for them to love you, their love has to mean something to you, cherish and make him earn your love 
• Women will have sex with you before they even cook for you 
• Do not play games, state you intentions, men are evaluating from day one: Can I break my word with her, what will she put up with, is she the type of woman I can lie to, can I get away with disrespecting her, does she want to believe what I say or is she evaluating me 
• You cannot gain respect once its lost, move on 
• Do not listen to his words, they come from his mind, trust your instincts to tell when he's lying 
• Men keep testing the line until they find your true boundary 
• Men say they will call back to get off the phone 
• When we first meet you, we don't care about your character. You are a ho, until you can show skills that promote you to girlfriend. You stay there until you prove you are worth marrying.

What do you think about what he said?