Ask a Man: Are you Marriage Hungry?

So I've been dating a guy for the past year. It's getting pretty serious. And we are making all these plans to live this future life together. He's named our imaginary kid. He even watches marathons of "Say Yes to the Dress" with me. But it's just not manifesting in the time frame I envisioned it. 


If I had my way, it'd be tomorrow. (I'm pretty impulsive).
If he had his way, it'd be this structured and mapped out and done "the right way". (He is a meticulous planner).


It left me more than frustrated with him (and kinda huffy). So, I decided to ask a man about it.


Meet Brandhi Irvon.

He's a life coach. Songwriter. Poet. Painter. An all around Renaissance man and a good friend. I decided to ask his advice. What he said surprised me. I learned that it was less about my partner, and more about my own expectations, projections, and insecurities.


Tray:
Brandhi, I'm really confused about men and their concept of future planning.
We know we want to be together. We were both on board with the future planning. Then I asked him for a specific time frame. How long will all this planning take? How much money do we need? When can we plan to buy a house? 


And he got quiet. And now we are all "weird". He says to relax. And that I am making this too complicated.


 You always talking about radiating love. I am friggin' radiating love! If I wasn't, he wouldn't be with me! This mess is making me neurotic. I know it's only been a year, but does he see marriage in his future? We always talk about it, but when exactly is it gonna happen!


Brandhi:
Are you sure you are radiating love? Because if you are, love would come back to you. If you are radiating indecision, indecision will come back to you. If you are radiating fear of abandonment, fear of abandonment will come back to you. If you are radiating "Brotha Back UP!!"..."Brother back up will come back to you.
And if you are confused...... (you guessed it)


Tray:
I see what you are saying. I need to focus my energy more clearly --like a laser.


Brandhi:
You do. Correct.
It's not really about HIM.
He is just the "report card" on how you are REALLY focusing....or not focusing.
If you are focused on patience, compassion, humility and forgiveness (and here is the clincher)
FOR YOURSELF ...all those things will come to you in another.
Most people hope to find these quailities in another FIRST rather than develop them in themselves first.


Tray:
A light bulb just went off! That's actually making sense to me.
Well, I've been doing me and working on my path, minding my own business, and poof!
He comes out the woodwork talking about rearranging me and giving me this perfect life.
I didn't ask for no man. I was happy! And he was the one that started all this marriage talk in the first place! Now he's got my nose wide open. 
And it was soundin' real good. Now that I'm invested, I feel like he snatched it away from me!
Now I'm sitting here all confused, thinking, 'why even show it to me in the first place?'
I could-a had a V8.


Brandhi:
That is because...it was NEVER ABOUT HIM.
Pretend that everything you experience....what you see, taste, hear, feel, smell are all happening inside your mind. EVERYTHING. That would mean that everything that happens to you IS YOUR FAULT .....or YOUR VICTORY. Everything else is an illusion. It's just you and God....dancing.
If you blame it on MEN, you give US too much power over your happiness.
WE should be bowing to your magic. Never the other way around.


Tray:
Well, I thought I was doing that!
But then I got all off course and it became about him!
Boy, I will not be doing that again.


Brandhi:
Yes you will.


Tray:
II grew up believing that this is what we are supposed to do, put you guys first and be a helpmate.


Brandhi:
Thats slightly bulls***t ...but only slightly.
Before you put me FIRST, make sure that you and I are the same kind of animal or you will be putting a WHALE in charge of you and you are a DEER. So whatever makes him THRIVE will kill you and whatever makes YOU happy will kill him. You have to make sure FIRST that you are the same kinds of animal and you both enjoy the same kinds of things. You both are passionate about the same kinds of things.
After you are sure about that,
After you LOVE each other rather than possess each other...
After you see that his support of your causes makes him feel good about himself...
And when you support him you feel good about yourself...
THEN you can let him lead.


Tray:
Ugh!!! (throws up hands)
This is so much work, wtf...
And you aren't speaking English.... it's fluent "life coach".
I'm too impatient for this kinda crap, I'm getting hives just thinking about it.


Brandhi:
Heaven ain't free and shouldn't be. I don't want no insecure-ass-dysfunctional-punks who need their ego stroked every 5 minutes sitting next to me in heaven. Nawww....make it hurt. Work on it.
But the good news is...
You are in the game. You care.


Tray:
LMAO
I'm in the game.... and sweatin.


Brandhi:
You said earlier that you give up. No you won't. You know why?
Because the very essence of YOU is what you seek.....LOVE.
You are LOVE. So....all you have to do is KNOW YOURSELF (love) BETTER.
And when you have it mastered in you....it will come to you.
Know yourself better.
Thats it. Once you are comfortable with the REALNESS of it....it will show up in EVERYTHING. And your "report card" ....will change.
I believe ANY woman can have ANY man she wants ...if she reprograms herself to that end. She doesn't even have to mess with him. He will end up coming to her. 


...Now, from a man's perspective...
.....I mean from his side...


Tray:
Great....(rolls her eyes)...
Ok, tell me his side.


Brandhi:
Every man just wants to please his mother. So you represent his mother and all he wants to do is please you and impress upon you that he is a capable and worthy man. If he has big things, he wants to show what he has accomplished. If he DOESN'T have big accomplishments...or he is not proud of where I am in my life....he will want impress you ....WITH MY DREAMS. He  wants you to be proud of him.  That is the core of a man in relation to a woman he loves.


Tray:
(another A-HA moment for me)
So you are saying that I should just let him dream. That he and I just need to dream, and enjoy and just be happy with the dream for now?


Brandhi:
Kind of.

 Back to YOUR side of things...
What you may have revealed in him when you asked him the questions about the future is a man that MAY have second thoughts about his future with you and what he want out of life in general. Don't sweat him about it. HE has to make that decision freely without you.  After all you don't want A husband. You want YOUR husband and HE has to be just as sure as you that he is making the right decision freely.  So allow him to find his focus on his hopes, dreams and goals without you.



Tray:
I don't know if he has a concrete, tangible plan, other than dreaming about what could be.
But, I hope so. I do believe in him.


Brandhi:
A man's plan has to be a mathematical plan that can actually be executed. Some men KNOW they won't be able to execute it and they KNOW they don't have much but they also know that a woman wants a man who has either accomplish SOMETHING or has a plan to accomplish something. So they are not going to give you conversation that does not have things they plan to accomplish in the future because they know it's not attractive...even though they may know they can't obtain those goals.


Tray:
I don't understand. I am a woman that gets things done. I would help him accomplish whatever goals gladly.
Does he feel he gotta have everything sorted ahead of time?


Brandhi:
A man is thinking, "I don't want you to help me hunt, Mama. I want YOU to be proud of the dragons that I SLAY.
How would it look you slaying my dragons for me. Then I won't ever feel like I grew up.
I can't let you do that.
I would rather be a bum.
I would rather sell drugs.
I would rather risk jail time.
And that is what BLACK MAN does.
All so you can be proud of me."


Tray:
Man, that is heavy.
Deep.
Ok, so let me get this straight, because I know you don't speak standard English.
You are saying that I am my own man? And when I know myself, he will come?


Brandhi:
I am saying....
That when you have a sexy black dress on...
And you look at yourself in a full length mirror...
And you say "Hmmmmmm dang girl, you looking goood"
But you see a big piece of lint on the dress...
You don't touch the mirror to get the lint off....you change yourself and then the image in the mirror INSTANTLY CHANGES."


Tray:
OOOOOooooh!!!!
Man, you should really write a book.


Brandhi:
It's hard work because it's easier to get someone else to change....or get them to SAY they will change so we can feel good about ourselves. However, the REAL WORK has to be done from within YOU. And your REPORT CARD for how you are doing is WHAT and WHO appears in your life. No exceptions.


Tray:
Now that makes perfect sense.
Another question...How do you know when you've met the person you are supposed to be with?


Brandhi:

 HOW?? That is like asking "How do I know when I have gotten the lint off my dress?" Just as you have learned to trust your judgement in what you SEE, you will learn to trust your judgement in what you FEEL as well
But you have to spend time in there with yourself long enough to know. Most people get OTHER PEOPLE to occupy their space and time and then call it LOVE when actually it's an occupation of a space that YOU SHOULD BE OCCUPYING. Then when they leave, you feel a void. The void is actually YOUR original space for you to love yourself      ...first.


Tray:
Okay, Bran. Thank you for all of your insight today. I'm glad I asked a man, because I was clueless. Most of the time, I walk around thinking you all must be bi-polar.


Brandhi:
"Anytime."




So, ladies, if you are constantly having the "Where is this going?" conversation and beating a dead horse, like I am with my man... then maybe this post is for you. You might be ruining a perfectly good relationship obsessing over marriage. You should "Ask a Man." Since I had this conversation, I know longer feel anxiety over when, where, and how this will happen. I believe in my man. 


It's like my man always tells me,


 "I love you, you love me. 
We both have the same vision in mind. 
It's gone be ready when it's ready."


(He knows that if he gave me an exact date and it passed, I'd be all worked up again, anyway.)

Ask a Man: Men Want Marriage, Too!

Lately, I've been running into some men who say they want to get married and meet Miss Right.


Up till now, I really didn't think men even thought about it. Most of the men I've met have stated they really enjoy being single, and don't know when (or if) it will ever happen for them.


But in the past month or two, I have encountered two men that say they are looking for marriage. (I preface this statement with the phrase, neither of them live in Atlanta!)


The first is a divorced dad of two. Been married twice. He said that he was tired of giving his all to women and not receiving that same affection in return. That most of the time, women are interested in what you can do for them, but not what they can contribute to the relationship, or to supporting you as a man. 


When asked what men think about the concept of soul-mates (because I hear that word used all the time from women),  he told me, "Men really think of soul-mates as it pertains to one person, not overall commitment as a rule. The relationship has gotta be taken to a certain level. He has to want to lock her down. What makes the ready light come on for us, is the thought of her being with someone else."


When asked about what makes him want to "lock it down", he replied, 


"Stability, Sexy Appeal, Financially stable, Homemaker, Supporter, and Listener. 


Women don't listen enough, and I think women want the truth but don't really wanna hear it. They wanna believe men don't think like that. You ladies have an idea of what YOU think we should be thinking. "


You know what? He's exactly right. Us women do think we understand what men are thinking, when really we haven't a clue! 


These things on his list, I rarely hear women talk about. They think men are concerned with education, or stretch marks, or hair, or earning potential, or whatever fifty billion things we obsess over. None of these things even made the list!


(Granted, he is just one guy, not the spokesperson for the entire male population.)








So, I asked my best guy friend. He is single, never married, and no kids.








He told me, "I'm looking for a woman that is hot, and doesn't get on my nerves!"




But he also agreed with the first guy's sentiment. 


Men, just like women, are looking to settle down and meet the right girl.


He says, "it all matters about timing.  If you say to a man that you're interested in getting married and all up-front, we listen and keep that in mind.  If it becomes a reoccurring theme of your discussions, however, it means that you're pushing and guys don't like that.  For a relationship to work, you have to be at the same place at the same time.  For either the man or the woman to push it means you're more likely to lose the whole deal."


He also says, "I believe every man wants to get married one day. But you can't force it. Relationships are all about bending and compromise, but it should definitely be on both ends.  Unfortunately, you usually have a relationship where one person is always thinking about how much they bend and compromise and not taking into account how much the other person might be bending and compromising.  


"I think it's a miracle if a person finds everything that they desire in one person.  Most of us HAVE to bend and compromise to make a not-quite-perfectly-round peg fit in the desired hole.  Usually, there's a lot of resentment that comes up from one person about how much they do for the relationship that turns into yelling that sets off the other person thinking that all they've been doing isn't appreciated and then, it's on and it's not gonna be pretty. 


"To be honest, I think that when you meet someone, you have an idea of what you want, but if the person you're looking at doesn't fit perfectly, give them a chance; you might find things in them that weren't on your list, but you're glad they have them.  At the end of the day, men and women put their needs first and that's not only problematical, it's not Christian, either.  I'm not saying marry someone because it's what they need even though you won't be happy, but take the time to appreciate what each of you do in a relationship before you become resentful.  And don't discount what they do because you don't feel the same about whatever it is as they do.  Personally, I feel like anything anyone does in my relationships is important and appreciated.

I don't believe that anyone should have to put in more work than the other person.  A marriage is a partnership.  Men and women are different and have different roles, but none of the roles is more important than the others.  Men are supposed to be the leadership of the household, but without the support of his wife, it would all fall apart.  I believe that husbands should cater to their wives as wives should to their husbands; not in some stupid, ego-filling way, but in love and respect and appreciation to the other.

I don't know about any shortages, but treat all people well.  The media will use fear to drive us to consumerism in all cases and that should be dismissed.  I say relax and put your effort and energy into the things of God."

He also thinks my Holy Grail/Wolfpack theory is fundamentally flawed. 

"Please, PLEASE stop talking about hunting!  It's not about that at all.  It's all about personal preference.  Some men like it when you pursue and some men think they should do it exclusively.  I can tell you personally that I hate when I put energy into spending time with someone and they act like they can't call me.  I feel like if you're interested, you'll make an effort if I am.  Relationships are bad enough without coming up with some flawed formula to apply to every single one.  Each person is different and should be treated accordingly.  If you want to be chased, wait until a man chases you.  If you don't, go after the man you want.  Please stop coming up with these ideas or listening to people that give them.  There are good men and bad men, good women and bad women.  If you're lucky enough to find someone good and that fits with you, it's a serious blessing!  Focus on God!"

There you have it, ladies and gentleman. Two men's perspectives on dating and marriage. 

I hope there are many other men out there like this.

©Tray