Take Ownership for your Part

If you want to live with intention, you have to be willing to take ownership in the creative process. Lots of times we think about who has wronged us, and why this person didn't respect us, or why our parents or lovers didn't love us. It is very easy to look outside ourselves and see who poorly treated us. But it is even more important to recognize the conditions we put in place to allow ourselves to be treated poorly.

In life, there are cycles. Some, more obvious than others. Are you in a cycle of asking for love and appreciation, without fully recognizing that this comes from, and can be filled from within? Stop asking someone to love you. People respect and value what YOU respect and value.

If you meet someone who will not respect it, recognize they don't have to, and recognize that you don't need them to, move on.

This is a painful lesson that humans have to master (especially women), because we get so focused in pleasing others and caring for others, and we want that same level of caring back.

Know this, if you are sitting here, blaming someone for your treatment, you need to take inventory of your actions and emotions you are putting out there. Once you do, you will quickly see that they aren't the problem, it's you, and you need to shift your thinking.

When you do this, do not beat yourself up once you have discovered the problem. Do not dwell on the time you lost or what you gave. Remember, everything in life is a gift. Just as you gave gifts, gifts were given to you, and you will continue to get more to give. And you gave what you did with the information you were able to understand at the time. So never live with regrets. Be easy on yourself. Set boundaries where you need to. Forgive yourself, and forgive others. God doesn't live with regrets and you shouldn't, either.

God knows the beginning and end to every story. Don't stay stuck on this chapter, turn the page.

I want you to remember that every second in life is a growing lesson. Thank God for the growth. You are everywhere you need to be. Nothing is wrong. And there are no coincidences. Every piece of your life fits neatly and makes total sense if you could see the larger vision, instead of looking through our tiny straw. Trust and believe in Him.

Dealing with Heartbreak: Be Authentic to Your Feelings

I received a question from a friend today on how to overcome heartbreak. About loving someone and thinking about them, when you know they are not the one for you. And the guilt and frustration associated with feeling like you do. And how to move on when those feelings come back.

Sometimes we hold on to people that aren't right for us because we are scared we will never feel that way again. Even if 97 days were miserable, we remember and cling to the 3 that were beautiful.

To me, loving someone that's not good for you is like cheating on your diet. 

Sometimes, I just let myself have those feelings and eat that slice of chocolate cake. 

There is so much frustration, so much denial of feelings, so much guilt, you have to just give yourself a moment and be authentic to them.

Moving on is a constant state of choosing what you feel is the best choice for yourself. It cant happen just once; it happens consistently and is a conscious effort. It's like relapsing and staying sober. Take it one day at a time.

I remember how I felt when I was leaving a relationship, because I knew he wasn't right for me, but I still loved and cared for him. I tried denying it, and it just got worse.

 Finally, I just spoke to the little Tray that was holding on to this man. She was in pain, hurting and I was ignoring her feelings and stuffing them down. 

So I said, "There is no way I can treat myself harshly for loving what I believed was truth. I can forgive myself for loving him."

 (Which was silly... forgiving yourself for something that doesnt even need forgiving, because you did what you felt was right at the time!)

I said...

You know what? Go ahead and love him. Go ahead and cry. Go ahead and hang on for a minute. 

So I did. 

And then when I regained composure, I said, 

 "I know you love him. You see so much good in him, even though 80 percent knows we arent a good fit. Tell me everything you love about him. "

And little 20% Tray did. And that she didn't wanna give up on this man and she took a vow to him.

So the 80% of me said to her,

" I make a promise to you today, that if you let him go, we will find everything you love and more in him... in someone that deserves it.  This is not the last time you will be loved, or love someone deeply. This man taught you how, but you are ready for the next level of love. You've learned how to give. Now learn how to receive.

We will pray for him. You can care for him. But we are going to do our best to fill up this empty space with our own best love. And that will attract the best guy. Can you agree on this? Can you agree that in his current state, he cannot be what you need? That if we put this stuffed animal down, God's going to bless us with a real person?"

And she reluctantly said yes. She was willing to get on board, as long as I promised her she could get that feeling again and to trust us.

And that is how we got over loving the past.

You cant move on until you acknowledge your feelings for the past.  I dont think you should involve new people while you are processing that. You should have a funeral for him. Sometimes when you lose a mate, you think you are betraying them by loving someone new. If this man loved you, he will want the best for you, even if its not him. Give yourself permission to grieve, and be happy and love again. 

Don't hang on to those feelings that I gave and it wasn't returned. Or that he took advantage of me.

You gave what you gave based on the best information at the time. Do not feel ashamed about that.

I think of it like giving a cup of cold water to a thirsty man in the desert and he throws it down. 

Instead of feeling pissed that he took my gift and wasted it, I remember that I have an entire well. 

That this man is so delirious, he doesn't know how to drink, and doesn't realize he has a friggin hole in his cup!

 I then feel compassion for him, and bless him as he moves out of my life.

Because one day, someone will come drink again and be so grateful what I have to give. And he will stick around, and drink everyday, and help build an oasis of wells, and we will grow together, to give to many who need it.

©Tray