Monday, December 13, 2010
Dealing with Heartbreak: Be Authentic to Your Feelings
I received a question from a friend today on how to overcome heartbreak. About loving someone and thinking about them, when you know they are not the one for you. And the guilt and frustration associated with feeling like you do. And how to move on when those feelings come back.
Sometimes we hold on to people that aren't right for us because we are scared we will never feel that way again. Even if 97 days were miserable, we remember and cling to the 3 that were beautiful.
To me, loving someone that's not good for you is like cheating on your diet.
Sometimes, I just let myself have those feelings and eat that slice of chocolate cake.
There is so much frustration, so much denial of feelings, so much guilt, you have to just give yourself a moment and be authentic to them.
Moving on is a constant state of choosing what you feel is the best choice for yourself. It cant happen just once; it happens consistently and is a conscious effort. It's like relapsing and staying sober. Take it one day at a time.
I remember how I felt when I was leaving a relationship, because I knew he wasn't right for me, but I still loved and cared for him. I tried denying it, and it just got worse.
Finally, I just spoke to the little Tray that was holding on to this man. She was in pain, hurting and I was ignoring her feelings and stuffing them down.
So I said, "There is no way I can treat myself harshly for loving what I believed was truth. I can forgive myself for loving him."
(Which was silly... forgiving yourself for something that doesnt even need forgiving, because you did what you felt was right at the time!)
You know what? Go ahead and love him. Go ahead and cry. Go ahead and hang on for a minute.
So I did.
And then when I regained composure, I said,
"I know you love him. You see so much good in him, even though 80 percent knows we arent a good fit. Tell me everything you love about him. "
And little 20% Tray did. And that she didn't wanna give up on this man and she took a vow to him.
So the 80% of me said to her,
" I make a promise to you today, that if you let him go, we will find everything you love and more in him... in someone that deserves it. This is not the last time you will be loved, or love someone deeply. This man taught you how, but you are ready for the next level of love. You've learned how to give. Now learn how to receive.
We will pray for him. You can care for him. But we are going to do our best to fill up this empty space with our own best love. And that will attract the best guy. Can you agree on this? Can you agree that in his current state, he cannot be what you need? That if we put this stuffed animal down, God's going to bless us with a real person?"
And she reluctantly said yes. She was willing to get on board, as long as I promised her she could get that feeling again and to trust us.
And that is how we got over loving the past.
You cant move on until you acknowledge your feelings for the past. I dont think you should involve new people while you are processing that. You should have a funeral for him. Sometimes when you lose a mate, you think you are betraying them by loving someone new. If this man loved you, he will want the best for you, even if its not him. Give yourself permission to grieve, and be happy and love again.
Don't hang on to those feelings that I gave and it wasn't returned. Or that he took advantage of me.
You gave what you gave based on the best information at the time. Do not feel ashamed about that.
I think of it like giving a cup of cold water to a thirsty man in the desert and he throws it down.
Instead of feeling pissed that he took my gift and wasted it, I remember that I have an entire well.
That this man is so delirious, he doesn't know how to drink, and doesn't realize he has a friggin hole in his cup!
I then feel compassion for him, and bless him as he moves out of my life.
Because one day, someone will come drink again and be so grateful what I have to give. And he will stick around, and drink everyday, and help build an oasis of wells, and we will grow together, to give to many who need it.