THE MAN is anything blocking the way of your destiny.
.... It's basically a circumstance trying ta hold you down.
And those obstacles can take many forms. These are a few of mine.

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Beyonce Syndrome, AKA, "I Don't Need A Man"

I like Beyonce like the next chick. The music is catchy. The wigs, the clothes, her voice. It's all bangin. But somebody need to tell that heffa to go sit down somewhere.

Black women are all jacked up. I feel like I can speak on this, since I am one. 
Sometimes we just need to check ourselves. (Always, with love of course).

Some of us are missing out on good men because of "earning potential or education". It's like our first priority in life is security. All of our girlfriend advice stems from security. So much so, that we continue to miss out on really good men because they don’t meet the “earning potential” standard. Anyone making below 70K would be considered a waste of time. Yet we don't have our own situation tight. Just because you work around doctors and lawyers doesn't make you one. Now you only date Mr. MBA Professional. If you a struggling receptionist, or mid level person, don't look down on the brotha in the mailroom. He's on the come up just like you are. Maybe instead of trying to date up all the time, you can give a guy and chance and actually grow wealth together. Why would a professional want to date yo broke ass anyway? He wants to KEEP his money. LMAO. (Just teasin, sis.)

Oftentimes we are either on the gold digging tip, or we are on the other extreme; listening to too much Beyonce. It’s the Beyonce syndrome. All that independent woman crap can be very helpful; it can make you take care of yourself, and not rely solely on a man to provide for you. But it also can be a hinderance. So when someone nice comes your way, you steady mouthing off about how he can’t do nothing for you, and you pay all your bills, and your hair is real and your Louis Vuitton bag is real. You come off as angry and aggressive. White men don’t want it, and neither do Black men. Or any other kind of man.

Men don’t wanna hear that shit. It’s a gender thing. Women may like to be nurtured and feel cherished, protected and cared for. But men need to have a sense that they can help you along the way, whatever that may be. If you make them feel that they can’t help your life, then a man will start to wonder, “Why am I even around this chick?”

We steady breaking our necks trying to look like Beyonce and please these men. And when you get your look pulled together, you can't even speak now when complimented, you are a DIVA. Brother holds the door open for you at the gas station, and you can't even acknowlege him.

I’m sure Beyonce means well, but that heffa is causing straight up damage in a black woman’s psyche. All that independent woman jazz contributes to the perpetuation of the Black single mother. I’m all for woman’s lib, but Black women get the short end of the stick each and every time. Our white counterparts are working, and when they meet their mate, they stay home with the kids and do playdates. Black women work, we meet a mate, we have babies, we don’t get married, shit doesn’t work out, the man leaves, we now have 3 babies, no ring, a pile of debt, and that job we are now forced to slave at a crappy job to feed our families. 

Oh, but wait a minute...You are an independent WOMAN! I forgot. You don’t need no help.
You know you do. You strugglin. Let's be real. Thank God for your family to help you.

How does this independent woman crap benefit our race in the long run? How does this build healthy families in the Black community?
It doesn’t.

Anger, resentment, “he ain’t nothing but a dog” statements, young moms, teenage unruly boys without a father figure. You don’t hear Asian or Hispanic women saying that independent woman shit. And you damn sure don’t hear white women saying it. They might say it if they are young (35 and younger), but by the time 40 rolls along, that shit ain't all it's cracked up to be.

They can kiss my black ass with that independent woman shit. We just tell ourselves that to make ourselves feel better. It’s no different when we used to tell ourselves, “I’m Black and I’m proud”. I'm all for being proud to be a Black american. But that statement is something we had to say to ourselves to get you through the trauma. To build your self esteem up. To try to remove the hate programming and replace it with something more loving.

Black women, we need to stop barely surviving and start THRIVING.

Part of this "independent woman" thang has roots in slavery, passed on through the generations. Big Momma and Momma’s good intentions, programming her female child to prepare for the cruel world, while they steady cuddle their male children. And then part of this is our own damn faults. Black women, when you know better, do better. The statistics may look bleak, our men might be in jail, but take some ownership. We do a fantastic job of emasculating them. 

Beyonce talks all this independent crap and then marries the richest jigga on the planet. I make sure when she’s on the radio to turn if off right away. I’ve got enough Black woman stereotypes and programming to sift through. 

I could talk about this shit all day. I catch myself stopping these messages all the time when speaking to my daughter. In a daughter, we tell them no man is going to care for you. In a son, our expectations are low, so we tell them stay out of trouble. Kids rise to your expectations. Your daughter is successful and alone. Your son is in jail.

That's my rant for today. Stop telling these men you are an independent woman and you don't need anyone. Because when you meet the right one, you can't recognize it and even let him help you.

And for heaven's sake, turn off the damn programming. Beyonce is not the second coming of Christ.

Copyright Tray


  1. I don't have an issue with Bey, really. I do have an issue with the music industry and the messages they promote.

  2. WOW!!!! That's all I have to say. You are so on point. I, myself, used to be affected by the "Beyonce Syndrome". Very independent and so up there, but was a total mess on the inside and struggling more than I should. I'm so glad my eyes have been open, and I know better now. YES ladies, we do need men in our lives. Its part of God's divine plan. I don't know if you're still writing or not, but I just wanted to say thank you for writing this article. I need to forward this to my friends. Its time for us as black women, and as black people period, to get it together. Again thank you. I know it was written almost a year ago, but it was so on time for me today.

  3. Aww, thank you! I'm glad you got something out of this, and it encourages me to get on the grind and keep writing! Thanks again.

  4. You are missing Bey's point. Don't forget she also sings Cater To You.
    And you calling her a heffa isn't productive either.
    You come across as a woman hating on another woman.
    Your lack of respect adds fuel to the fire.
    However, you make some good points. The key is balance. Women should be at peace by themselves to the point they can wait on the man that adds to them. I don't necessarily mean financially. But both the man and woman should be better for the union. If not, why bother. Better doesn't always translate to money. Better translate to peace. I don't care how much money the woman or man makes, if the relationship is not about peace, then it's not worth it. And in that case, she does not need a man that brings drama.
    So maybe we should change what we say, when we say we don't need a man. Instead, we should say, we don't need a man that brings drama to our lives. I'd much rather be alone with peace, than to be with a man with drama. If that is being independent and if that is the Beyonce syndrome, then so be it. Call it what you want.
    But let's start by stop calling each other heffa.
    You know better!

  5. For every "Cater to You" there are twenty songs about being independent and not needing a man.
    And you are right, she's not a heffa, that wasn't right, lol. But I think I just get tired of hearing the same mantra on the radio by every female R&B artist.

    *goes and sits in the corner because she knows better, lol*