Primarily, a dating blog, but also covers many other topics, including politics,the arts,and spirituality.
Who Is THE MAN?
THE MAN is anything blocking the way of your destiny.
.... It's basically a circumstance trying ta hold you down.
And those obstacles can take many forms. These are a few of mine.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Daisy vs Diva
I'm starting to give strong consideration to this whole physical attraction thing.
Apparently, for men this is a deal breaker.
Think about it.
There are many well educated, highly intelligent, average looking, girl next door, funny women out there. And there are even more gold digging, conniving , physically attractive, picky, superficial women out there.
The good girls get overlooked, and they end up eating Haagen-Dazs gelato on a Friday night with their cat.
The bad girls often get money, trips, and cars thrown at them, they have so many suitors, they don't know what to do with. They treat them like crap, and the men beg for more.
What is this phenomenon of men dating the unattainable? You are looking for a trophy, but you are really getting a girl that's going to blow through your money, sleep with the poolboy, and move on to the next sucker.
Meanwhile, the woman you probably should have dated, who could help you and your money grow, never gets a call. Perhaps she's not as flashy. But hey, at least she's made of substance.
I asked Regenius this question. Here's what she came up with.
"That reminds me of my friend! She doesn't cook, and she's slightly pessimistic. Not especially spiritual, and she is a daddy's girl. She's argumentative with men. And she requires alot of attention....but still, she really is a sweetie and very ambitious and book smart. One of my favorite people, once you get past all of that.
She drives all of us in our circle NUTS when we go out because of her attitude towards men, and most women don't know what to do with her! And yet she pulls men left and right.
She EXPECTS a man to come out the pocket for her. She doesn't tolerate any violin stories from men. She tends to attract ballers all the time.....
Why do they seem to get what they want? I never understood why it works like that?
I think men like to feel needed and like they are rescuing somebody. Seems like the needier you are - the better your chances are. But its some sort of needy formula - some kind of magical Neediness to Diva ratio. Cause you can't be too needy. You gotta present like you got it going on."
As phucked up as it is, Regenius is absolutely right.
There is definitely a "needy to diva" ratio.
Or a Daisy to Diva ratio.
These women present like they got their stuff together. Hair flawless. Clothes immaculate. They are pushing a Beamer or greater. Trophy girls.
But they are as needy and insecure and vulnerable as they come. All their bills and debt are sky high. They have other's paying for their lives. And they have to keep a rich man in order to continue living so luxurious.
I just don't get it. We normal women are human beings, we are not perfect. We have guts and glasses. We have insecurities, too. Just like the men. What makes you think you can do better than a normal woman? Do you see us dating male supermodels?!
We find attraction in you, even the most peculiar looking of you.
I just don't get it.
Wait a minute.
Yes, I do get it.
It must be the same reason women don't date nice guys. Why they will break their neck for someone who doesn't even give a crap about them.
Men like a bad girl who is beautiful and evil.
Women like a bad guy who is beautiful and evil.
It's the reason why every woman wants to be Angelina Jolie, and why every man wants to screw her.
Because she's beautiful and kinda psycho.
Honestly, I've had enough of it. I'd like to step out of the Matrix for a while and just deal with some honesty. I think after you lived long enough, and you've survived your 20's, you just want someone to actually be who they say they are.
I think that's when you start seeing smart men beginning to settle down in their late 30's. They start looking for women who can take care of themselves. In the same vein, smart women start asking more questions and expecting more from these men in their 30's.
I'm pretty sure that was my problem. I was looking for the bad boy, the hustler, the player, the revolutionary, the Rastafarian, the musician, the surfer, the pimp, the cult leader, the white Muslim terrorist sociopath. Basically, the flash in the pan type of man. Full of crazy schemes. Concepts they could philosophize, but never had experience in. And once I got knee deep in their madness, lies, and confusion, I realized too late that I was over my head, and I seem to always survive by the skin of my teeth. I can't count the number of hellish dates I've been on where I've had to wonder how I'm getting home, or am I gonna die hanging out with this man and his friends.
It gets old.
I seriously think I've burned out of my bad boy phase.
I think it's a 20's thing.
In your 20's, you think about who you want to be.
In your 30's, you plan who you want to be.
In your 40's, you actually start being who you are because you stop giving a damn what people think.
And at 50, you've got a story to tell.
And now that I've lived that a while, I'm getting older and coming to my senses about what I reallly want.
I wish the good guy would come around now, instead of then. Because now I am 34 and I have half a brain now. Because now, I recognize my self worth. Because back then, I thought marriage was a far off concept. Having kids was for old people. Saving yourself for marriage was for squares. Being honest and dependable and intellectual meant you were too nice.
These are all values that mean a helluva lot to me now that I'm 34.
Because at 34, I'm tired of the games. If you aren't about your business, I'm not interested. Period.
And by business, I mean, 'Do you know your higher purpose and what you were sent here to do?' kinda business. Eternal legacy kinda business. The only business that really counts.
It is so hard now to find a man now that is actually trustworthy the older they get. I've heard so many lines, so much game, so many excuses, so many sob stories, so much wasted potential, so many lies, and so much evil that I'm kinda jaded now.
I'm starting to wonder if every adult man is bi-polar or something.
It puts me off men altogether.
I'd rather be alone than deal with a liar.
I've also found that I'm harder to impress now. I'm not impressed by a flashy car or house. Or your six figure income. I could give less than a crap that you know Obama's personal barber. That you have VIP access in the club. The latest watch or clothes.
What does that have to do with me? That's you. Gold star for you.
I've got my own accomplishments. You have higher education, I have my master's. You've got an important job, so do I. You've got a car, I have one too. You've got a great apartment, I own a house. You are a great lay, so what, I am, too. You could give me a family, I already have one.
There's not much men can offer me now that I can't get myself.
If this was an interview, I'd be asking what can you contribute to the company? What would make me voluntarily serve your will and allow you to lead me? What can you offer me?
Instead of material possessions, I'm more interested in:
Can you have a decent conversation?
Are you emotionally intelligent?
Are you current on global events?
Can you care and show concern outside of yourself, with nothing to gain?
Can you make a difference in the world just by acting within your community?
Do you have a higher power that you have a daily relationship with?
Because all you can really offer me is your word. Your integrity. Your honesty. Your determination. If I can't learn something from you, and you can't teach or lead me, then don't waste my time.
Ok, calm the phuck down, Tray. You are starting to sound like the dreaded "Angry Black Woman!"
I say all of this to say, I think my priority list has drastically changed.
I think I'm a lot more choosy than I was. And this is a good thing. Because there is more to a mate than great teeth and a great lay. And the man that's interested in someone like me will be looking for more than an ass and long hair.
The ex used to tell me that men always want to date two clicks above their station. If you are a 5 in looks, you always want to date a 7. It is very rare to see a 7 looking man date or marry a 3 looking woman.
So, I asked him what number am I. Of course, he didn't answer.
So, I asked him what kinda woman is a 10. He said he had never seen or met a 10 before. On his scale, Jessica Alba was an 8. Padma was a 9.
Again I wondered. What the hell am I?
If I had half a brain, I should have been asking myself why I married a 2. Because regardless of how I look externally, I am definitely out of his league. Because I am definitely a 10.
Lil Magic once told me she when out on a date, and a guy told her:
"When you are a woman in your 20's, the world is your oyster, you can break hearts all day long. As you enter your 30's there is a power shift. Marriage minded men who are accomplished and in their 30's and 40's look for women in their 20's. "
My theory is they need someone that will look up to them. Of course, 20 year old women are looking for 22 year old idiots.
This is why you must strike while the iron is hot. If you are a woman, you must marry in your prime. If you are a man, you should wait until you are 35.
Wait too long, Sis, and you are the cat lady. They find your body several weeks later, eaten by your cats.
Wait too long, Brotha, and you are the old man in the club, sippin 'Yak, wearing a Steve Harvey suit complete with hat, and passing out business cards to your auto dealership, talking bout, 'Baby girl,come on down and see me next week at the car lot, I can make you a fantastic deal on a gently used Cutlass'.