Monday, December 20, 2010
You Can't F*ck Away "Lonely".
Title get your attention? It's true. You cannot replace true intimacy for casual sex. And you certainly cannot replace self worth with attention-seeking behavior. (Well, you could try, but it never works for long.) Here's why....
After living a little myself and making mistakes....observing others and their mistakes, and hearing enough male-female relationship horror stories in general, I have learned that you can pour a lot of time and attention either: filling up your hole or getting someone to do it for you.
Filling the Hole Yourself
Now, filling up your hole of emptiness can be done two ways: positively or negatively. I'd say, the first step is even recognizing you have one that needs filling. (Some never even get to this point). Many people fill it themselves with self destructive behavior of drinking, smoking, partying and general living to excess. At the end of the day, you are still lonely and seeking attention. Some people fill their hole with seemingly positive things, that are still negative, (like working or excercising yourself to death). They still end up alone. They can't understand that no matter how many physical material possessions that surround them, they still feel unfullfilled.
Filling the Hole With Someone
Filling up the hole with someone else is also a destructive, dehumanizing, and desperate act. Basically, you have allowed this person, or persons, to determine your happiness. That never works. The minute they stop giving you attention, the minute you realize you are empty, alone, and unhappy, only you have an audience now to watch it all go down. Kids can't fill it. Spouses can't fill it. What's worse is that their are people who will specifically see that gap, and use you for it. A seemless stream of random hook ups that lead no where.
So, How do I fix it?
If you already have a healthy sense of self respect, this note ain't for you.
But if you don't, may I suggest learning how to first set boundaries. What you will give, what you won't. What feels like love, what doesn't. And start setting them everywhere--- on the job, with the family, with friends, with the neighboorhood bully, it doesn't matter, use them all as teaching tools.
Then, I would suggest facing your fears... Of loneliness... of heartache... of despair... of being ignored... or whatever it is that needs facing. Learn to face it, and even enjoy it. Fill it with activities, spirituality,affirmations, places, and people, that look and feel like love. That look like where you wanna be in life. Hell, you could even write a list "25 Things that Look like Self Love"!
The more time you spend developing yourself, the more time you realize who you really are. And the more you will begin to really like it. And the more you won't tolerate someone else in your space not loving it as much as you do. The more you will be what you were always supposed to be and were sent here to do.
Be the best You.
There's nothing wrong with being alone. But lonely is a choice.